I’ve been trying to figure out the best way to communicate what has been going on. Do I vlog and talk or do I just write? I did record like a 30 minute vlog that I started editing down but as I watched it I realized this wasn’t me. Well, it wasn’t my best. So here I am writing it all down and given you the update.
Since I got off stage my fitness lifestyle has felt like a rollercoaster and it all began with insecurities and comparing myself with other women; it actually started two weeks before stepping on stage. I did my best to ignore those stupid thoughts and managed my way through it but they stayed hidden in the back of my head.
After the show I was on a winning high but soon after I hit a plateau and those insecurities and comparisons started to come back. I fought my negative thoughts for weeks because I knew they weren’t true but it was still effecting me. I was allowing my weight define my progress and I began to focus on all the negatives of prep. From talking with my coach, we concluded my metabolism has slowed down (which happens from months of dieting) so the lack of movement wasn’t just me. This was relieving to hear but I still couldn’t shake the little bitch hanging out on my shoulder.
I decided not to pursue the second show that just took place because my body isn’t ready and it’s not worth sacrificing my health or my competitive future. I’ve been “off” prep the past week and a half and have been trying to reverse out of my diet. I would be lying if I said this was easy, but I am trying and working at it every day. My long-term plan is to compete in a California show in December. This gives me more than enough time to get my metabolism and hormones right where they need to be, put on some quality muscle and slowly cut at a higher caloric base and not end up in the position I am in today.
As far as my thoughts – it will always be constant work, but as I continue to grow I realize how human I am and how accepting I need to be of my demons. I’ve tried so hard to fight them and the more I fight the more I lose. I’ve put in a lot of work at understanding them and learning to recognize trouble, but there is a difference in coping and trying to erase a part of your personality. Now, I think it is time I accept who I am in every way and use those demons in my favor. It is time I see it as a personal challenge and use it to propel me forward in my goals. This is a new mindset I’ve started to develop over the last week and I’ve been trying to apply all of my strengths and weaknesses to my personal development.
I am determined to come back stronger in every sense of the word for this next show. I know it is not going to be easy and the rollercoaster isn’t over, but I also know it is going to be worth it.