The Dreaded Text Message Swap

FullSizeRender (16)Being a twenty-something in 2015 is not as easy, fun or as dramatic as reality TV makes it out to be.   We’re broke, confused, trying to fit in and understand what it means to be an acceptable human being in society. Now throw in being single trying to find that other acceptable match and you’ve added another handful of awkward WTF moments.

There is really no gentle way of saying this, but dating is a bitch.  Not only have I met plenty of assholes but I definitely have had my fair share in being one.

Take the other night for example, I was minding my own business trying to find my abs in the mirror when I get a text message from a recent heart breaker, The Douche. To be fair I know in my heart this man is a good person and I really don’t have hard feelings towards him, but it’s just kind of funny to refer to him as The Douche.

So here I am trying to find the best lighting to enhance my ab self-esteem and The Douche finds a way to make my heart fall out my ass when I see his name pop up on my phone.

“What does he want? Does he miss me? He’s thinking of me? Of course he is thinking of me.  In fact, he is probably counting all the ways he messed up and about to beg to have me back…”

::Opens Text Message::

The Douche: Hey…

Oh my god, I knew it.  He is totally in love with me…

Me (playing it cool): Hey, what’s up?

The Douche and I proceed to have a conversation and I began to notice his way of attempting textual seduction. “hmmm”, I thought, “let me just play neutral and act dumb.  This will pass…”

So I do and he backs down for a minute until another opportunity occurs to be flirtatious again.  Let’s pause this story for a second – Men, in what world do you live in where you can hurt a woman and then come back and think it is OK to reminisce over the “fun times”?  Let’s just make something clear,  until you apologize for breaking her heart you’ve lost all privileges in talking to her like you are together again.  Moving on…

I continue to neutralize the conversation in hopes that he would prove his interest in me as a person and not a body, but grew increasingly disappointed when he proved that he was thinking with his Junior.  In typical female fashion, I was giving my bestie the play by play, word for word, breakdown of what was happening. As I am expressing my frustration to her I say, “I feel like he keeps trying to be flirty and sexy and I’ll just ignore it. So he will change the subject but wait for another opportunity in hopes I bite.” Immediately after I hit send my heart falls out my ass again (yes, it’s possible).  I didn’t send that to my girlfriend….I sent that to…



Anyone who has experienced the dreaded text message swap knows they have two choices:  try to find a quick come back to explain this message and how it has nothing to do with him like he will believe it OR just chalk it up as a loss and laugh your ass off.

Me: Well, that’s awkward. I was talking to my girlfriend.

The Douche: lol nice job

Me: LMAO….yep….

And that was the last time my heart fell out my ass and I am not so sure I will be seeing that name pop up on my phone anymore. Ah well…another funny story in the books.  I’ll just thank the Universe in advance for giving me a good laugh anytime I think of him the near future.


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