They say you meet your significant other either at work or at school. Well, when I graduated college and moved to Arizona I worked at a ballroom dance studio. Do I need to elaborate? The other option is through friends and at that point my closest friend was gay. I basically set myself for an unlimited supply of girlfriends and gay affection. After years of figuring my way through Arizona I decided to sign up for online dating to see what was out there. This time I went on a couple of dates and they were fine; nothing terribly too creepy except my one Baby Cop story that I love to share so much. Don’t worry, you’ll hear it soon enough!
I did not stay online for too long because Baby J, that shit is exhausting! It can be a fun distraction to be able to talk to so many “available” men, but it can also feel like a part time job to get through those dreadful messages to find the interesting personality.
When you first sign up you start receiving a mind blowing amount of emails and for a second you think you have hit the jack pot until you open up these messages and you see, “hey.” There is nothing more frustrating than a man who opens up the conversation with one word. Like really, what am I supposed to do with that? One time I responded with a smart ass “hi.” and I got a “what’s up?” Delete.
If you are lucky enough to receive more than a “hey” then you are probably getting something like “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.” I wish I was making this up. One time I got a message that said, “wanna f*ck?” and his only pic was of his body in boxers. My response, “sorry, your legs are too skinny.” I would have declined his invitation regardless the size of his legs but they really were too skinny. Friends don’t let friends skip leg day folks. He eventually responded back with “wow. No wonder why you are single.” Uh huh, yep! Clearly my pickiness for leg size is the reason why I cannot get a man. Delete.
Every once and a while you come across a message that is actually enticing. Then you check out their profile and they are 45 and live in Alaska. What the hell am I going to do with that? Delete.
Personal favorite – open the message and decide you aren’t interested. The next day you receive a message that says, “what am I ugly?” Really sir? Where is your dignity? If I don’t reply it is because I am not interested, get over it. You may not have been ugly but now you are ugly AND annoying. Delete.
When it comes to online dating people seem to think they can get away with lying about their physical appearance; unless you intend on dating the blind this is not going to work. So men let me make this clear….5’11 and 6ft are not one in the same. You might be able to fool a midget but you cannot fool a 5’8″ woman who loves her 5inch heels. I’ve learned that a man who is between the height if 5’8″ and 5’11” seem to think they can get away with rounding up. Guys, we may be a lot of things but stupid isn’t one of them. I learned to go into a date expecting the shortest.
My rounds of online dating lasted about 6 weeks before I got burnt out. It is tiring trying force conversation with these men that insist on messaging but can’t form a sentence and idiots who had elephantiasis of the balls sitting behind a computer screen. I’ve heard this works for many people and maybe it will for me one day, but for now I am still holding out hope for that true American Love story….
Boy meets Girl at the gym. Girl loves Boy’s Traps. Boy asks girl how much she deadlifts and if she wants to grab a shake after her lift. Girl plays it cool but is freaking out on the inside. Boy proposes standing because he is too buff and inflexible to actually get on one knee. Girl totes says yes and freaks out on the outside. They make buff babies; live in an Iron Castle and live Happily Swole Together.