Morning of the Show: “I’m not ready…”

I didn’t have this post planned but it came to me this morning and I felt that it was too important to wait to share.   This entire time I have been prepping I have felt so confident in the package I was going to bring to the stage.  Although I had the usual doubts that came about time to time, I really believed that I would be bringing home not just a trophy but a high placing trophy.  Something happened over the past two weeks where I have been struggling to keep that mentality.

I started to fall into the trap and repeat patterns in which I tell everyone not to do; I started comparing myself to others.  I started noticing the girls I would be competing with and noticing my flaws against their bodies.  My weakness is my midsection, that is where I hold my weight and to this day it is not where I want it to be.  Somehow, that weakness became my focal point and I slowly began to tear myself apart.  I have gotten better at my self-awareness and can recognize these moments and would find ways to build myself back up and get on track.  But for some reason those last two weeks it kept haunting me.

I then started to measure my progress with the scale.  I know better than to judge my look by my weight and to measure my worth by the number.  I know better than to believe that my weight is more important than how I look in my suit.  But for some reason I got so caught up in seeing it go down that when I woke up this morning and didn’t hit the target weight I set in my head I immediately turned to feelings of “I’m not ready.”


Some how I lost sight of my worth, self-love and progress of this process.  I’m over here worried about a small pooch on my belly when I’ve lost 16lbs of the course of 18 weeks.  16 freakin pounds?!  I have a waistline I never knew existed, my legs are lean and shapely as fuck, my glutes are rounder then I every thought they could be, I have an hour-glass figure which I never though I had…I mean, my entire body has transformed and some how I managed to wake up this morning not excited about the show because “I’m not ready.”


So what did I do to change this?

First, I started to journal.  

I wrote down all the negative feelings I had and began to realize how ridiculous I sounded.  Then I turned the page and started writing all the things that I do have going for me this competition and all the wonderful things that have changed and taken me by surprised.  That began to put me in a better mood and helped find my confidence again.

What I did next surprised me more. I gave thanks.

I saw all these exciting posts on social media from friends and competitors and I thought to myself, “Why can’t I be excited?? I feel better but not quite there…” Not realizing this would change the game for me, I put up a picture of my friend who is doing the show with me and have gotten closer with through out this process.  As my caption I began to give thanks for her support, the new friends I’ve made in the gym that were once strangers are now fans, my coworkers that I will miss working with constantly gave me great feedback which added to my motivation and support.   It was in that moment where I truly felt blessed for all the love and relationships that I had and my mood shifted into the bright and confident competitor that I knew myself to be.

It is really easy to get caught up into comparisons and measuring your worth off of something meaningless like a scale.  It will happen and even the most confident women go through their moments of insecurities.  But it is important to recognize this and find a way out of it.  It would be a damn shame for me to put in all that work into prep to spend my weekend not excited to be there because of insecurity.  And it would be a damn shame for you to miss out on something great in your life because you didn’t feel good enough.  Don’t let moments pass you by because of your inner mean thoughts.  Take a moment and find your beauty…then celebrate!

Be on the look out for the next vlog on this competition weekend! I promise to get it up as soon as I can!

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