Looking for the Fork In the Road

I feel less than inspired lately. I feel stagnant which is funny because I’m not.  I’m closing on my first house this week, work is going really well, and I actually try to have a social life. Life is far beyond stagnant, but I was looking through my facebook memories today and came across this quote I posted last year (I have no idea where I got it from but we can pretend I’m that deep…)

Goals are like magnets that attract us to a higher ground and new horizons. They give our eyes a focus, our mind an aim, and our strength a purpose. Without their pull, we would remain forever stationary, incapable of moving forward…a goal is a possibility that fulfills a dream.

That’s what is missing; a GOAL. Training for my first bodybuilding show was the first goal that I ever accomplished. Since then, I’ve been goal oriented and have dedicated my energy to accomplishing some goal (usually fitness related).I postponed my prep for this season because I decided to purchase a home and use my money elsewhere, which I don’t regret but now I’m antsy.  Establishing my home is fun and I’m excited but this isn’t a goal that drives me because it’s forever and more of a “duh”. There is no rush, no sense of urgency, no due date because it’s life. To some, the Whole 30 could be a goal but it’s not for me as this too is forever.  Yes, it ends in 30 days but not for me. Sure, I’ll be bit more flexible than the initial 30 days but this is about long-term health. Learning how to live a healthy lifestyle and make quality food choices will take time, but this is life.  There is no rush, no sense of urgency and no due date.  Honestly, I really miss prepping and I am just trying to figure out how to get a bit of some of that without that set date, routine, and end goal.

In a conversation I had with a good friend, she encouraged me to just “live” and let things roll as they will. I lived my life with such strict guidelines in accomplishing these goals that maybe it was now time to change my mind frame.  At first, I thought she had a point and I thought maybe this was time to learn how to embrace just living an “average” life. But the truth is, that just isn’t me.  I wasn’t meant to be average. I was meant to do amazing things even if they are just for sport. I was meant to accomplish the impossible even if the only thing I get out of is a sense of pride. I don’t dream of living a Cinderella lifestyle or follow down my parent’s footsteps. And while I am excited for the day that I have a family of my own, that day is far in the future. So now, now I want to live, set goals and crush goals.

I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining because I am not, but I am confused.  I am happy but confused. Lost in the direction to take and looking for the drive to push me forward.  Just like anything, it will come but now I am antsy.

What a girl to do…

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Day 3 of Whole 30 #killmenow

It’s 9:30pm as I write this post and I am finishing up my 3rd day wondering what the hell am I doing. I’ve had headaches all week long, I’m always hungry (even though I don’t stop eating), I’m tired, and all I can think about are the sugary treats that I am no longer having.  I don’t need to do this shit, do I?  Why can’t I just slowly eliminate foods from my diet? Ya know, clean up in tiiiimeee.

Well for one, I’m an all or nothing kind of girl. I’m either all in or I’m all out and I’ve made this decision to work on my food quality versus so there is no turning back!  But truly, this 30-day program is a big detox.  Not just in my bad habits nutritionally, but mentally and spiritually.  I found myself falling down my depressing mental rabbit hole that leads me nowhere good and I was struggling to get it out.

Yes, my initial intentions on starting the Whole 30 were to clean up my diet and begin to focus on the quality of my food choices for a long-term health. However, in doing so it’s providing me the opportunity to evaluate my social circle, the stressors in my life (self-created or environmentally created) and figuring out how to move forward as a better version of me.   Truthfully, challenges like this always re-energize me which is why I loved prepping for the last show.  Having such a self-focused goal, allowed me the opportunity to really figure out where I was going in life and how to get there. The Whole 30 is now proving itself to be another mini transitional prep.

It’s only day 3 and I want to quit, seriously.  My sugar cravings are intense and I just keep thinking about the “one little cheat” I could slip in (if nobody knows I ate it then it didn’t really happen, right?).  This kind of nutritional challenge is different for me as the ones in the past have been all about aesthetics but this is by far harder than any prep I’ve done!

But I won’t quit. I can already tell I have too much to lose even though it’s been a few days.  My body feels like shit but my mind begins to clear up slowly each day.  It’s an amazing, difficult and shitty experience but I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

27 more days!

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Welcome to the Whole30!

Some of you may have heard about this Whole30 “diet” (which I hate even referring to as a diet), but this has been recently brought to my attention and it peaked my interest.   Like I said, I hate calling it a diet because this way of eating is truly about eating whole foods and eliminating the ones known to cause inflammation, digestive issues and a negative impact on our health.  While the 30-day program is truly a lifestyle, I am looking at these first 30 days as a detox and introduction to the rest of my healthy life.  Oh yea, forgot to mention – I’m starting this tomorrow!

I know a lot of people assume that just because I’m into fitness, have done shows, worked as a Personal Trainer and have a few certifications under my name, that I live and breathe the healthy lifestyle. The truth is, while I have adapted many changes, mostly my activity level, I still eat like shit.

Now bear with me as I explain why that is – 

It is very easy to label health by the foods we eat or don’t eat, but for me, the biggest challenge was my mental health and the relationship I had with food.  For the past 5 years, with the exception of my preps, I threw the middle finger up to any diet rule out there. For me, the most important thing wasn’t focusing “healthy” food, but eating food without any negative thoughts associated with it….no regret, no self-disgust, no guilt, no labels…nothing.  It’s taken years for me to get here and I still have my days, but I finally feel empowered with my relationship with food and I’m ready to adopt a more quality approach to my daily intake.

Which brings me to the Whole30!  I’ve been thinking about making changes to my diet for some time now and I don’t know why it is taking this program to get me make the change, but here I am!

Whole30 Rules:

  •   Do not consume added sugar, real or artificial. No maple syrup, honey, agave nectar, coconut sugar, date syrup, stevia, Splenda, Equal, Nutrasweet, xylitol, etc. Read your labels, because companies sneak sugar into products in ways you might not recognize.
  •   Do not consume alcohol, in any form, not even for cooking. (And ideally, no tobacco products of any sort, either.)
  •   Do not eat grains. This includes (but is not limited to) wheat, rye, barley, oats, corn, rice, millet, bulgur, sorghum, sprouted grains, and all gluten-free pseudo-cereals like quinoa, amaranth, and buckwheat. This also includes all the ways we add wheat, corn, and rice into our foods in the form of bran, germ, starch, and so on. Again, read your labels.
  •   Do not eat legumes. This includes beans of all kinds (black, red, pinto, navy, white, kidney, lima, fava, etc.), peas, chickpeas, lentils, and peanuts. No peanut butter, either. This also includes all forms of soy – soy sauce, miso, tofu, tempeh, edamame, and all the ways we sneak soy into foods (like lecithin).
  •   Do not eat dairy. This includes cow, goat, or sheep’s milk products like milk, cream, cheese, kefir, yogurt, sour cream, ice cream, or frozen yogurt.
  •   Do not consume carrageenan, MSG, or sulfites. If these ingredients appear in any form on the label of your processed food or beverage, it’s out for the Whole30.
  •  Do not step on the scale or take any body measurements for 30 days. The Whole30 is about so much more than weight loss, and to focus only on body composition means you’ll overlook all of the other dramatic and lifelong benefits this plan has to offer. So, no weighing yourself, analyzing body fat, or taking comparative measurements during your Whole30. My favorite rule of all!

I’ve become pretty reliant on the scale lately so having a 30-day break will be really good for me and redirect my focus on my health.  But I did take before pictures so that I physically see the differences in my new lifestyle change. So here we go –

Current weight: 159lbs              Current BF%: 29%

(measurements are from my Garmin Index Smart Scale)

Keep an eye out on you YouTube channel. I’ll be vlogging these changes and giving you my thoughts as I go along!

Who else has tried the Whole30??

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Adulting Fears as a Single Woman: Home Inspection

My fitness goals and regime have taken a back seat the past two weeks. I’ve been emotional and mentally stressed over this house situation as this process has literally been a roller coaster for me. It’s consisted of mostly ups, but the occasional downs are self-created due to doubt and fear.

This week I had my inspection for the house which was an overwhelming hour and a half.  The Inspector, Realtor and I went over an 8-page list and at first, I glanced it over thinking, “this isn’t so bad…”  As he went through each item all I could see were dollar signs that would eventually come out of my pocket.  Then  I started to realize some of this stuff I could do, but wait…could I? I’m not handy. I can’t even cook. I’ve burned hardboiled eggs for crying out loud! I don’t even know what part he is talking about, where to get it, what to ask for, how to install it… I don’t have a man in the house to take care of these handy chores…I going to go broke as fuck hiring people to install one tiny tube because I’m helpless…what have I done?! …FUCK, I’M SCREWED!

After the panic,  sadness set in then fear, then doubt, then fear, then sadness, and then panic all over again.  Eventually, I came down from all that and reassured myself that I could do this.   Everything that I don’t know, I can learn.  I can make all of these terrifying decisions by myself and if it doesn’t go right then I will learn from them.  I don’t need to fear making mistakes because how else will I learn?

I often envy those that have the opportunity to make these big decisions with someone by their side. It must be easier to panic with someone and know that you are in this together. If you screw up, someone is there to feel the pains with you and help you stand up. Yea, that sounds nice.

However, I don’t have that opportunity, but I do know that unlike other people, I know what it is like to be alone.  And I’ll know what it is like to truly be independent. When I find my partner, I will be able to be with them out of true companionship, not dependency.  No matter what happens in my relationships, I can stand alone because I’ve done it for so long.  Don’t get me wrong, knowing all of this does not take away the fear or the panic.  That will always be there because there is nothing scarier than going through life alone, but I’ll always be ok.

Panicking, but ok.

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Not the same Beauty In The Buff

Last time you heard from me and I had an exciting New Years Vlog with all the plans (resolutions) I made. And in true resolution form, those plans didn’t last a week BUT with good reason!

A week after I made my 2017 plans, I hit a wall. It wasn’t a bad wall, in fact, I knew it was good, but I couldn’t figure out what was happening.  It was like I could literally feel myself in the middle of transition but I didn’t know where my life was going.  Everything that once motivated me was no longer important, especially with the blog/vlog.  Since I’ve lived in Arizona, I’ve spent my life trying to find things to make me feel important because I didn’t feel at home. I needed a positive distraction to find my purpose while I let life run its course. Out of nowhere, I finally felt like I was exactly where I should be and I made the decision to make an effort in creating my home here, establishing genuine relationships and enjoying myself more!

This didn’t mean I gave up on fitness, competing or “Beauty In The Buff”, but I did need to take a break from my goal focused mentality and live in the moment which is exactly what I’ve been doing.  I will be back on the blog and Youtube, but I am going back to how it all started; documenting life-discovery through fitness.

I started “Beauty In The Buff “when I made my decision to compete for the first time. Through that experience, I found a whole new life and documented the whole discovery process.  I  lost sight of what I enjoyed about blogging and try to change my direction, but that direction isn’t me. I am still discovering life and Fitness continue to be a huge component in creating the woman I am today.   I know I will lose some followers as this blog will quickly transition into more of a personal blog than anything, but that’s ok.

So here is a quick recap of what has been going on and what you’ll be seeing more of in the near future:

  • I’ve decided to commit to Arizona and purchase a home (on the house hunting quest as we speak)!
  • Because of my decision to buy a home, my summer show will be postponed.  I need to buy my house to be able to figure out my competition budget. Also, the June show I wanted to do is not happening anymore.
  • Since I’m not focussed on a particular show, I’ve incorporated powerlifting and swimming in my fitness routine for some variety. I am working on cutting for the summer since bikini seasons is sneaking up on us.
  • I’ve been going out more, meeting new friends, not quite dating but my interest in putting myself out there again is beginning to peak.

Thanks for following, Squirrelfriends.  I hope to be able to entertain you while I work on this thing called “Life”.

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