The Earliest Memory of My Life…

Most of my life has been a black hole with a couple of traumatizing events that loop on constant replay. I remember nothing.  I know I had a good childhood filled with loving family and friends.  I know I shared great moments and laughed till I cried, but unfortunately, this is how my brain chose to survive. As you know, I’m ready to no longer live in denial and get to the bottom of “me”.

My earliest memory of life was at 13 years old. “Your mom is paralyzed” are words I never thought I would hear nor did I fully understand what that meant.  My mom, paralyzed? How could that be? She was a Super Hero, our very own Spider Woman who climbed all areas of the house, fixing, decorating and creating the home we knew.  She “made” toys, sewed together outfits, and would spend hours helping us create this elaborate life for our dolls…this woman was not paralyzed.

I still remember standing in the elevator waiting to see this woman they called my “Mother”. I could probably still find my way to the hospital room today with little effort that’s how clear this memory remains. I saw her laying on the bed, lifeless, drugged up and so fuckin fragile. All I could do was cry. I wanted to hug her but how could I? This wasn’t my mom. My mom was strong. This person; this person could break. This wasn’t my mother.

That entire summer of my life was a robotic routine.  My younger sister and I slept with my Dad every night in the same bed. Every morning he would wake up and go to work while we stayed in bed.  When we were finally ready to get up, which was probably around noon, we walked the dog, ate breakfast and went back to bed to watch tv. We never left that room. My church would drop off dinner for us and I would pack it waiting for my Dad to come home so we could have dinner at the hospital.  We never missed a dinner or a weekend with my Mom. This was our life now.

When you are younger, you don’t really realize what abandonment is when it is happening.   You just go through life doing what you need to do to survive.  My Dad didn’t have a choice but to leave us home alone so he could go to work and take care of us.   But I never saw my extended family that summer. Nobody offered to take us in, nobody called us…I mean, did anyone even know what was going on?  We were 13 and 9 and left to our empty house alone.  We survived because we had each other but from that moment on, it became very clear that the only people who would ever have my back were my Sister, my Mom, and my Dad.

I have friendships that I would consider to be close, but if I’m being honest, it is hard for me to let someone in…really in…like depend on them kind of “in”.   I could move today and not miss anyone. Why? Because I am not really connected. I envy people that feel like they “couldn’t live without” another person.  I envy those relationships that feel like they found this stranger who would always be there to pick them up when they’ve fallen.  I want those relationships, but my young life taught me that this didn’t exist. I want to believe that there are people in my life with genuine interest and love.  And on some level, I do believe that these people exist, but how do I get around this painful belief of, “If my own family can’t be there for me in a time of need then how can I expect complete strangers too?”

So there you have it – the foundation of my trust issues and human disconnection. I’ve lived my life on the surface, just getting by and staying protected. I have so much work to do and I am ready to do it…but damn, my poor therapist…

~Thanks for letting me share ~

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Metamorphosis

“Courage doesn’t happen when you have all the answers.  It happens when you are ready to face the questions you have been avoiding your whole life.” Shannon L. Adler

When I started “Beauty In The Buff”, I documented my journey through my first show and revealed little bits and pieces of the emotional battles I was dealing with throughout the process.  Then I
transformed it to a fitness focus/Mental empowerment place.  Now…now, I am cycling back to the beginning.

I wish I could keep up the fitness focus content, but truly, I’ve never been one to hide who I am no matter how guarded I may be.  This is where I am at in life.  I’m emotional and highly aware of my self-sabotaging behavior.  The truth is, I’m finally accepting events that occurred 20+ years ago that I denied and suppressed.  As you can imagine, after acknowledgment, the protective shield I once I had is quickly crumbling down.

Don’t get me wrong. As emotional, this process is for me, it’s also very good.  I am aware. So aware, that it scares me. I haven’t figured out what to do with all of this information but I am working with a therapist to sort through these past pains and current behavioral habits.  If you haven’t been following, I’ve vaguely discussed this on the new YouTube Series “Metamorphosis“.  I’ll continue to vlog and blog and express myself in whatever way that helps me heal.  I will in time reveal more as to what I am dealing with and hope to lift some weight off my shoulders while doing it.

I would normally apologize for the change in direction, but this is me. My blog is Me and written (first) for me.  I hope you stay around but understand if this isn’t your jam anymore. Thank you for supporting me through the ups and downs and I hope you stay around to watch me come out stronger!

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My Next Goal

Hello My Lovelies and Welcome Back!

So the last post I promised you that I would give you more insight of my next fitness goal; a photo shoot!

I’m really excited about this.  I’ve always wanted to do a photo shoot for myself, not because I am prepping, but just because.  I get to dictate how I want to look, I don’t need to be compared against any other woman and I don’t need to worry about a certain number or look.  What I like is what I shoot. It will be a fitness shoot so I do have a “physique” in mind, but this is all for me and only me.  Not for a trophy, just for me.

IG @ Beautyinthebuff

The photo shoot is set to happen in LA during the second week of February so I still have some time and have been prepping for about two months.  I am not tracking my food as far as macros go, but I am measuring so I know where I am starting from and how to decrease from there.  This is my first time not be strict and more “intuitive” with my dieting and it is working out pretty well.  I’m not stressed and I feel “normal”.  As far as my training goes, I just signed up for the Bret Contreras’ Personalized Programming and I’m loving it so far.

If you don’t know who Bret Contreras is, he is known as the “Glute Guy” and is intelligent as all hell when it comes to the body (you should seriously read his stuff!!).   His program for me isn’t anything ground breaking or nothing I couldn’t program, but being the normal human I am, I get stuck in my comfort zone and need that extra push by someone I respect to get me out of it.  The workload as far as reps and sets are less than I am use to but it is forcing me to push myself harder than I have in order to make it “hard”. I love what it is doing to my body (I’m sore!) and my mind. I’m noticing my strength and my reflection in a positive way. If you have $99 a month to fit into your budget and need help with a program (this does not come with nutrition) and are pretty good at holding yourself accountable, then I highly suggest you give this a try!

I’m looking forward to the changes in my body as this is the first time I am cutting not for a trophy or out of self-hatred, but just because I want to see my gains!  This is a first for me and it’s kind of scary, but all kinds of good.

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Oh Boy, Here We Go Again…

I know, I know. I’ve come and gone before.  The truth is, I’ve “suffered” from trying to be something I am not and fit in with all the other online fitness people. I kept forgetting what got “Beauty In The Buff” started in the first place.  I never did it to be an online Fitness Guru or motivation for anyone. I did it for my thoughts and way to express myself and document my journey (the good and the bad). While my consistency waivers, the one thing that never leaves me is my desire to keep blogging/vlogging. I think about you all the time, boo!
So, I am going back to the beginning, to how it all started and the purpose of blogging/vlogging.  This is for me, baby, but I hope you like it!

First off, a lot of positive things have happened since I bought my house. One of my close friends moved in and we are both on the same page when it comes to fitness and our goals.  I mean, we are practically swolemates which has been really nice. We prep together, we gym together, we tan together,

Halloween 2017 as the Bella Twins

food shop together, party together…etc. It has been fun, to say the least.

Secondly, it still shocks me to say this, but I found Jesus and on October 15, 2017, I made the decision to get baptized.   It has been an interesting, terrifying but positive process.  I would say that the majority of the positive changes have occurred since I decided to let Jesus show me how to live this life.  I’ve made my mistakes along the way, naturally, and I feel a little embarrassed to say that since I got baptized I got caught up in partying and put Jesus second. However, I am getting myself back to working with my relationship with Jesus and I am looking forward to going to church this Sunday.  If I am being really honest, since I sidetracked myself with partying, my mental and emotional state has slipped and now I am in a bit of a funk. Boy, I’ve got some work to do!

Halloween 2017

 

As far as my fitness has been going, I’ve been working on a slow cut for about two months and my roommate and I have a photo shoot planned for February.  In an effort to keep this post short, I’ll just dangle that carrot and give you more details on that tomorrow. I just wanted to stop by and say hi, Squirrelfriends.

I’ve missed you!

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Letting Go – Managing Stress

I’ve always struggled to manage my stress, caring less, worrying about things that I had no control over, and frustrated dealing with people who had little common sense.

My dad always said, “You cannot control other people and their reaction, but you can control how you react to people.” And I never argued with that because he is right. Why react to someone and allow them to manipulate your feelings?

Lately, I’ve fallen deep into the trap of letting someone get the best of me. I’ve often had the conversation with myself where I thought, “Kristine, why are you letting this obviously incompetent person bring you down? You are fighting with what? An idiot. And yet your day is ruin and you continuously come into this place dreading to be around them.  This is stupid!”  And yet, did I listen? No. I continued to let them chip away at my soul, target my work ethic and dim my light. I allowed this and I let the stress in and consume me.

Well, no more. The timing of recent events this week has not been lost on me. I always notice signs and don’t believe in “coincidences”.  The Universe (or God) is trying to tell me something and I need to pay attention.

“Kristine, shut up. You are better than this. Something bigger is up ahead and you are in control of your destiny. Let this ruin you or let this grow you. You are better than this, now prove it!”

This is the time to get it together and learn to let go. Exhale the BullShit.  My future depends on it because I will only continue to hurt myself by investing in something or someone who doesn’t deserve the time and energy.  If it doesn’t serve me in a positive way then it should not have my attention and I know this, but it is always easier said than done.  My sleep is affected, my fitness has taken a back seat and I have no motivation to accomplish my personal goals.  The stress is greatly impacting who I am and who I have worked hard to become and I miss that girl. I miss her badly and I know she is not gone, just lost and I can get her back. I just…I just have to let go.

How do you manage your stress and not let people and things negatively affect you?

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