What’s the deal, yo?

Well, I’ve been out for some time and it is mainly because I’ve lacked motivation and inspiration for life all around.  Don’t get me wrong, I am happy but my passion to create and inspire has diminished. Mainly because I am trying to get myself together since the last show.

I know, I know, it’s been like four months and I am still talking about it?!  What you have to understand is that post show was a shock to my system.  It was a humbling experience as I thought I would never repeat the same patterns or thoughts again.  I haven’t quite figured out what triggered me but it was something within prep not the prep itself.  So I’ve spent these past few months trying to “regain control” and get back to my old ways but the more I tried to be in control the more out of control I’ve felt.

So about a month ago I decided to stop tracking my macros and intuitively eat.  The second I did that the pressure of trying to maintain a certain look rolled off my shoulders and my menstrual cycle came back and let me tell you, I felt like a champion that morning.  There is something about missing your period as a woman that makes me feel like your less of a woman. It’s strange and it was concerning, worrying about my health was constantly on my mind.  But what do you know? The second I stopped worrying about everything my body bounced back and I felt better.  Stress is a bitch I tell ya.

Since I stopped tracking my macros, my body began to love the food I ate (healthy or not) and my zest for physique improvements came back.  I gained about 5lbs in that process and although I don’t care for my current stats they fail to bother me as much as it use too knowing that I can change  all of that.

Current Stats: 161lbs / 29.8% Current Macros: 192c / 155p / 51f
Current Stats:
161lbs / 29.8%
Current Macros:
192c / 155p / 51f

Fast forward today – I am back on my macros and I am eating more carbs than I always thought I could handle.  I was convinced my body preferred higher fat and lower carb, which in the past always felt good, but recently it seems as though my body is not rejecting the higher carbs as it use to and I am not complaining.  I am feeling more focused on myself and my goals;  I still have plans to compete this year (in early December), continuing to improve my blog/vlog is always on my mind and I am getting ready to sit my ass down and write the book I keep saying I am going to do.  My mind took a couple of steps back which may have taken me by surprised but I can feel that I am coming out stronger from it.

So I am making the decision to make my blog more personal like when I first started.  Truthfully, being able to express my voice has always been therapeutic and it is true to who I am and my purpose in all of this.  Don’t worry, I promise to still share everything fitness and food along the way!

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Working With My Demons

I’ve been trying to figure out the best way to communicate what has been going on.  Do I vlog and talk or do I just write?  I did record like a 30 minute vlog that I started editing down but as I watched it I realized this wasn’t me. Well, it wasn’t my best. So here I am writing it all down and given you the update.

Since I got off stage my fitness lifestyle has felt like a rollercoaster and it all began with insecurities and comparing myself with other women; it actually started two weeks before stepping on stage. I did my best to ignore those stupid thoughts and managed my way through it but they stayed hidden in the back of my head.

After the show I was on a winning high but soon after I hit a plateau and those insecurities and comparisons started to come back.  I fought my negative thoughts for weeks because I knew they weren’t true but it was still effecting me.  I was allowing my weight define my progress and I began to focus on all the negatives of prep. From talking with my coach, we concluded my metabolism has slowed down (which happens from months of dieting) so the lack of movement wasn’t just me.  This was relieving to hear but I still couldn’t shake the little bitch hanging out on my shoulder.

I decided not to pursue the second show that just took place because my body isn’t ready and it’s not worth sacrificing my health or my competitive future. I’ve been “off” prep the past week and a half and have been trying to reverse out of my diet.  I would be lying if I said this was easy, but I am trying and working at it every day.   My long-term plan is to compete in a California show in December.  This gives me more than enough time to get my metabolism and hormones right where they need to be, put on some quality muscle and slowly cut at a higher caloric base and not end up in the position I am in today.

As far as my thoughts – it will always be constant work, but as I continue to grow I realize how human I am and how accepting I need to be of my demons. I’ve tried so hard to fight them and the more I fight the more I lose.   I’ve put in a lot of work at understanding them and learning to recognize trouble, but there is a difference in coping and trying to erase a part of your personality. Now, I think it is time I accept who I am in every way and use those demons in my favor.  It is time I see it as a personal challenge and use it to propel me forward in my goals.  This is a new mindset I’ve started to develop over the last week and I’ve been trying to apply all of my strengths and weaknesses to my personal development.

I am determined to come back stronger in every sense of the word for this next show.  I know it is not going to be easy and the rollercoaster isn’t over, but I also know it is going to be worth it.

How do you work with your inner demons?

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“Will Power” is a Practice

I’ve always despised hearing people say “Will Power”.  It made me feel like this was a way to describe someone with supernatural powers because not everyone, including myself at times, possessed this skill.   I despised it so much I even wrote a post on it at one point, however, my thoughts on will power have changed.

Towards the end of my prep I realized something; Will Power is a Practice.  Although this last prep was much easier and smoother then my first, I would be lying if I said it was a perfect one no thanks to my “Will Power”.  See the thing is, I screw up to and then I ask myself, “Why did I do that?  This is my goal and those actions don’t support my goal.”

It occurred to me during one of my self-therapy sessions that this will power that people possess does not always come so easy but it doesn’t mean it can’t be developed.  Whether you are training for a show for the first time or trying to lose 50lbs the entire journey is a process.  The further you get through it the easier it will become, but you will continue to make mistakes a long the way.  As you continue to grow and continue to get stronger, your Will Power strengthens as well.

I bet if you look at the bigger picture and dissect your actions from what you were like when you started and what you are like now, you can find a stronger Will Power.  Everyone has Will Power and some are able to flex bigger Will Power muscles then others.  But just like that scrawny teenager that has grown into a massive muscle man your Will Power cannot change over night…it just needs a little practice.

What are your thoughts on Will Power?

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You Aren’t In This Alone

“Look at the sky.  We are not alone.  The whole universe is friendly to us and conspires only to give the best to those who dream and work. ” – A.P.J Adbul Kalam

I know what it is like to go through a fitness transition and feel like you are in it alone. Trying to be healthy and take on active lifestyle can seem lonely when all your friends and family don’t seem to get it.  Sure, they think it is great and they applaud you for your efforts but sometimes it doesn’t seem like it is enough.  The same friend that said they are cheering you on is the same friend giving you a hard time for making gym a priority or trying to tempt you into eating pizza.  It’s frustrating and it can hurt, but despite your feelings of loneliness it doesn’t mean that is the reality of your new fitness life.

I love training and competing in bodybuilding but it’s also a small subculture within the fitness community and can be looked at as “extreme”.  Even though the underline theme of fitness is a commonalty among gym goers it can still feel like a lonely process.   A few years ago when I was going through a tough time in my fitness transition, I was at the gym on the stair master, minding my own business and one of the physical trainers that work at my gym came up to me and handed me a sticky note.  On the sticky note it was a suggestion on how to change-up my cardio.  He explained the science behind it and went on his merry way.  I could have been offended by this action, but instead I was thankful.  I was thankful that this stranger thought to give me a tip on how to change things up because he wanted to help me succeed.

It was then I realized that in even my loneliness moments I actually have secret fans rooting me on.

So no matter who is giving you a hard time on your new lifestyle choices make it your mission to listen to those silent cheers.  Sometimes those secret fans have the biggest voices and they are there to let you know that you aren’t in this alone!

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Ways To Love Your Body at Every Phase

When you’re going through a the fitness journey of either losing body fat or putting on muscle to shape your body differently the transitional periods can suck.  You’re clothes are too small or too big, you don’t feel like you look your best but you know you are making changes.  You might get down on yourself if you skip the gym, miss your yoga class, eat whatever the hell you want for the day or just get frustrated at this slow ass process just to get to that end goal.  Just because you aren’t where you want to be it doesn’t mean you can’t love your body throughout the journey.  Here are four things to keep in mind to still love your body at every phase.

Treat yourself.

Girl, you’ve been kicking your own ass in the gym, making awesome nutritional choices and good for you! However, it is extremely easy to get caught up in the process so treat yourself to some feel goods and I’m not talking about food.  Not all the feel good treats need to be food related; take yourself to a spa, get your hair done, get a pedicure or how about a massage?  You can even take yourself to the movies or pack up your food, bring a good book and a blanket and sit outside in the beautiful weather.  You will be surprised how good you can feel when you stop worrying about what your body looks like and start doing things that feel good to your body!


Yes, I said it – Flirt! I don’t care if you are single or in a relationship, but for Christ’s sake flirt with another human being (or the one you sleep with every night).  Flirting doesn’t have to be overtly sexual or even with intentions on dating them.  Flirting can be fun as hell and give you an extra boost of confidence.  You have to admit – if feels pretty damn good to flirt with someone and walk away knowing they are staring at your hard-earned ass. So get out there and show the other humans of the world how amazing you are by being that sexy, confident you’ve person become since transforming your life.

Admire your gains.

It is so easy to focus on what you need to change and what you don’t like but how about you take a second to admire your damn gains! Appreciate those new curves you’ve built or the tighter waistline you created.  Sure, it may not be your goal physique but it sure as hell much different then it was when you first started.  It also wouldn’t hurt to give yourself some kudos to all the great life style changes you’ve made. So sure, you screwed up on your diet but when was the last time indulged in some sweets and stay consistent with your gym attendance?  Give yourself a break and start lovin’ on those gains!

Fall in love with the process.

Creating discipline, changing your habits and making the gym a nonnegotiable part of your day can be difficult and exhausting.  Not everyday feels the best and some days you  just want to be lazy AF.  Shit, some days you need to be that and there is nothing wrong with it.  But you have to be in love with the process you are in to love the body you have.   Loving the process creates the positive space in your head which allows you to love your body at every phase.  Feeling the blood rushing through your muscles and your heart racing after one hell of an accomplishing work out can leave you on a body high for days.  If you are using diet and exercise as a form a punishment then you have more work ahead of you then any post can give you, but if you can find your enjoyment in your new routine then you will begin to appreciate your body on a much bigger scale then ever imaged.


Fitness is not just a one stop trip and you’ll go through phases of wanting to lean out your body, add muscle, shape your booty, add more definition to your arms and so forth.  Changing your physique at any stage is a process and the process isn’t always that glamorous, however you can always find time to love the body you have at every phase of your fitness journey!


What do you do to love your body?


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Beauty & The Baby Cop

FullSizeRender (71)I hate dating.   Mainly because it seems like such a project to filter through and find decent human beings.  However, even though it sometimes feels like more work then fun, I always come out with some ridiculous story to share. Which brings me to one of my favorite experiences…

My date with the Baby Cop.

During one of my short stints of online dating I met Baby Cop. For the first time in a long time I found someone that I really enjoyed talking too and I definitely wanted to spend time with him. In a two week time span, we talked almost every day and fit in 3 dates.  At that time in my life, all that time with someone would have been “too much” and freak me out but I was trying to go with the flow since we seemed to hit it off.

So this cop…

He was an inch taller than me, very lean and overall a petite man, was divorce with a child and had a face that only a mother could love.  Ok, he wasn’t hideous but he wasn’t the best looking guy either.  Despite feeling like an Amazon Woman next to him I was still attracted and enjoyed spending time with him. I was unsure about the single dad thing, but I was willing to see how this would go being that it had been so long that I felt any kind of connection with someone.

About this 3rd date…

Since he worked late afternoon/nights and weekends the plan was to go see an early showing of “Ted” and have lunch afterwards. We get in the theater, the movie starts and Baby Cop snuggles up onto my shoulder – like, legitimately snuggled. Bitch curled his feet up in fetal position, rested his hands underneath his head and found his little nook between my shoulder and chin to rest his head.

I wish I was lying.

I’m not a big fan of PDA to begin with.  I can handle an arm around the shoulder, holding hands, kiss on the cheek…etc.  But the mushy shit is not for me so imagine the panic in my eyes when this grown ass Baby Cop decided to make a spectacle in a movie theater by channeling his inner 3 year old.  He may have even sucked his thumb in the process but I was too busy trying to act like this wasn’t happening to confirm that.

“I like this guy.  What is happening right now?  This can’t be real.”  

How does a funny, macho man Cop think it is ok or even welcomed to snuggle up on my shoulder in public?  Then he beings whispering sweet nothings in my ear expecting me to have a full blown conversation with him while the movie was playing.  Annoying and creepy. If you ignore it then it didn’t really happen.

Movie is over and it’s time for lunch.

We go to a rather empty restaurant in the mall and get seated at a 6 person table. There is only two of us and this little baby cop probably weighs less than me. I get in the booth and next thing I know my thigh is being smothered by his thigh. This asshole thought it was cute to sit RIGHT NEXT TO ME IN 6 PERSON BOOTH!

So not only is he disgusting me by invading my space but he has made it impossible for me to enjoy my lunch because I have to now eat out of the side of my mouth in order to look at him. I was trying really hard to look past this needy, psycho, skin-me-and-wear-me-as-fur-shit, but he was testing my patience. I can’t remember the exact conversation we had but he said something that implied I was his girlfriend. Oh. Hell. No.

So let me get this straight – after creating a mortifying public display of affection, Baby Cop now wants to piss on me like a dog and I am suppose to be ok with this?

What happened? Where did I miss the crazy flare signals?

At this point I was over trying to give it a chance. I was annoyed, disgusted and in partial shock over the recent turn of events. We were walking to the car and this cute couple walks past us. This guy was about 6 ft tall and his girlfriend was a little shorter than me.  Being a 5’8″ woman wanting a tall man is always a deep desire, but you learn to get over it when you really like someone.  But when you don’t then all bets are off…

Baby Cop: “Do you wish I was that tall?”

Me: “Yep.”

Baby Cop: “Awww….that’s mean”

Well shit, don’t ask a stupid question….dumb ass.


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