Where do I begin?

I love competing. I love everything about the struggle of prep and it always seems impossible when I am doing it, which makes it so rewarding to get on stage.  As much as I knew what I must do post show and as much as I thought I was mentally prepared, I really wasn’t.

I can’t really explain where it all began and it doesn’t even matter at this point, but my body filling out and the scale go up really played a toll on my mind.  It is hard to explain, but your eyes literally play tricks on you.  You get so use to seeing your body shrink dramatically week after week.  You know this is just for the show.  You know this isn’t maintainable and that it will all come to an end but 5 extra pounds on the body looks like 20 in your mind.  Week after week, pound after pound, I was mentally freaking out feeling like a failure. I should be able to maintain this. Everyone else does, right? I kept going back and forth with my logical, reasonable thoughts to irrational post show competitor thoughts. It was a roller coaster of mental self-talk that took me months to get out of.  

I know some people reading this would wonder why the hell would I want to do that again? It’s “so unhealthy”.  Sure, you can definitely argue putting myself through that mental torture isn’t the best thing to do, but what you don’t understand is I see it as a challenge and a chance for growth.  It’s an opportunity to prove to myself that I can beat these stupid thoughts, that I will not go back to the old Kristine, and that after all these years of self work and understanding I have the ability to get out of these slumps faster than ever before.  And honestly, I’m proud. Sure, it sucked. For months, it sucked and in the moment I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t feel just as good with my body 20lbs heavier than I was on stage, but I got through it and now I am here.

So what now?

I still plan to compete and I plan to do it slower and smarter next time.  I learned a lot of about myself and my body the last prep which I plan to use to the next one.  I am currently 17lbs heavier than I was on stage and I know quite a bit of that is fat, but there is nothing I can do it about it now other than embrace it.  I am finally at balance with my diet and am slowly reversing my calories out; I am currently eating about 1750 calories and hope to get it up to as close to 2000 before I cut again.  I’m lifting heavy and I love it!  I’m doing the hatch squat program (I also added in bench and press) with an extra glutes and shoulder day and hit the other body parts in between.  I am doing NO cardio which I am currently loving and I am definitely in no rush to start that back up again!  As much as I would love to be leaner and see a smaller waistline, I am 100% on board with building up my strength and increasing my muscle.  I’d be lying if I didn’t say I had thoughts of maybe doing a mini cut but then I remember, “YOU’RE ASS WON’T GROW IF YOU DO THAT!” so I eat and lift like my life depends on it.

I feel good, really good and I feel like my old self again. I pay attention to the scale less and admire my physique more which is exactly how it should be!  I’m looking forward to the future and seeing all the gains.  Gains, Gains, Gains!

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What’s the deal, yo?

Well, I’ve been out for some time and it is mainly because I’ve lacked motivation and inspiration for life all around.  Don’t get me wrong, I am happy but my passion to create and inspire has diminished. Mainly because I am trying to get myself together since the last show.

I know, I know, it’s been like four months and I am still talking about it?!  What you have to understand is that post show was a shock to my system.  It was a humbling experience as I thought I would never repeat the same patterns or thoughts again.  I haven’t quite figured out what triggered me but it was something within prep not the prep itself.  So I’ve spent these past few months trying to “regain control” and get back to my old ways but the more I tried to be in control the more out of control I’ve felt.

So about a month ago I decided to stop tracking my macros and intuitively eat.  The second I did that the pressure of trying to maintain a certain look rolled off my shoulders and my menstrual cycle came back and let me tell you, I felt like a champion that morning.  There is something about missing your period as a woman that makes me feel like your less of a woman. It’s strange and it was concerning, worrying about my health was constantly on my mind.  But what do you know? The second I stopped worrying about everything my body bounced back and I felt better.  Stress is a bitch I tell ya.

Since I stopped tracking my macros, my body began to love the food I ate (healthy or not) and my zest for physique improvements came back.  I gained about 5lbs in that process and although I don’t care for my current stats they fail to bother me as much as it use too knowing that I can change  all of that.

Current Stats: 161lbs / 29.8% Current Macros: 192c / 155p / 51f
Current Stats:
161lbs / 29.8%
Current Macros:
192c / 155p / 51f

Fast forward today – I am back on my macros and I am eating more carbs than I always thought I could handle.  I was convinced my body preferred higher fat and lower carb, which in the past always felt good, but recently it seems as though my body is not rejecting the higher carbs as it use to and I am not complaining.  I am feeling more focused on myself and my goals;  I still have plans to compete this year (in early December), continuing to improve my blog/vlog is always on my mind and I am getting ready to sit my ass down and write the book I keep saying I am going to do.  My mind took a couple of steps back which may have taken me by surprised but I can feel that I am coming out stronger from it.

So I am making the decision to make my blog more personal like when I first started.  Truthfully, being able to express my voice has always been therapeutic and it is true to who I am and my purpose in all of this.  Don’t worry, I promise to still share everything fitness and food along the way!

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Morning of the Show: “I’m not ready…”

I didn’t have this post planned but it came to me this morning and I felt that it was too important to wait to share.   This entire time I have been prepping I have felt so confident in the package I was going to bring to the stage.  Although I had the usual doubts that came about time to time, I really believed that I would be bringing home not just a trophy but a high placing trophy.  Something happened over the past two weeks where I have been struggling to keep that mentality.

I started to fall into the trap and repeat patterns in which I tell everyone not to do; I started comparing myself to others.  I started noticing the girls I would be competing with and noticing my flaws against their bodies.  My weakness is my midsection, that is where I hold my weight and to this day it is not where I want it to be.  Somehow, that weakness became my focal point and I slowly began to tear myself apart.  I have gotten better at my self-awareness and can recognize these moments and would find ways to build myself back up and get on track.  But for some reason those last two weeks it kept haunting me.

I then started to measure my progress with the scale.  I know better than to judge my look by my weight and to measure my worth by the number.  I know better than to believe that my weight is more important than how I look in my suit.  But for some reason I got so caught up in seeing it go down that when I woke up this morning and didn’t hit the target weight I set in my head I immediately turned to feelings of “I’m not ready.”

CRAZY!

Some how I lost sight of my worth, self-love and progress of this process.  I’m over here worried about a small pooch on my belly when I’ve lost 16lbs of the course of 18 weeks.  16 freakin pounds?!  I have a waistline I never knew existed, my legs are lean and shapely as fuck, my glutes are rounder then I every thought they could be, I have an hour-glass figure which I never though I had…I mean, my entire body has transformed and some how I managed to wake up this morning not excited about the show because “I’m not ready.”

Ridiculous.

So what did I do to change this?

First, I started to journal.  

I wrote down all the negative feelings I had and began to realize how ridiculous I sounded.  Then I turned the page and started writing all the things that I do have going for me this competition and all the wonderful things that have changed and taken me by surprised.  That began to put me in a better mood and helped find my confidence again.

What I did next surprised me more. I gave thanks.

I saw all these exciting posts on social media from friends and competitors and I thought to myself, “Why can’t I be excited?? I feel better but not quite there…” Not realizing this would change the game for me, I put up a picture of my friend who is doing the show with me and have gotten closer with through out this process.  As my caption I began to give thanks for her support, the new friends I’ve made in the gym that were once strangers are now fans, my coworkers that I will miss working with constantly gave me great feedback which added to my motivation and support.   It was in that moment where I truly felt blessed for all the love and relationships that I had and my mood shifted into the bright and confident competitor that I knew myself to be.

It is really easy to get caught up into comparisons and measuring your worth off of something meaningless like a scale.  It will happen and even the most confident women go through their moments of insecurities.  But it is important to recognize this and find a way out of it.  It would be a damn shame for me to put in all that work into prep to spend my weekend not excited to be there because of insecurity.  And it would be a damn shame for you to miss out on something great in your life because you didn’t feel good enough.  Don’t let moments pass you by because of your inner mean thoughts.  Take a moment and find your beauty…then celebrate!

Be on the look out for the next vlog on this competition weekend! I promise to get it up as soon as I can!

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Be Thankful for the Body You Have…at Every Stage.

Imagine what life would be like if you lost the ability to pick up a plastic fork and feed yourself dinner? Or if your significant other and two little girls had to wipe you down with a towel and call that a “bath” as you laid in a hospital bed? It’s hard to imagine, right? Unfortunately, those are the kind of memories that are so embedded in my brain that I don’t remember what life was like before my mom got hurt. My mom was as healthy as any woman could be minus the ruptured disk in her neck that would forever change her life.  Despite the chronic pain, you can never dream of a day where your only two choices in life were to either learn how to move a body that no longer felt like yours or lay in bed and watch the world crumble in front of you.

As I get closer to the show and the urgency of getting lean is increasingly emphasized, I start to nitpick all the things I need to see change. My lower belly isn’t flat enough, my shoulders aren’t round enough, my butt isn’t round enough…should I do more cardio? Work out harder? Sleep more?…. My weight, my weight for crying out loud isn’t moving!

I won’t be effin’ ready.

And then I remember that this show is only a tiny part of what is important in life.  Having a body that is capable of going through these intense changes is a blessing and I am lucky to  have the opportunities that I have been given, the support team around me and most importantly my health.   While I am over here stressing out about a flatter stomach there is someone in the world, like my mom, who lost the ability to be in control over their body.  It’s funny how the tiny bubble we live in weighs so heavy on our shoulders that we forget how blessed we truly are.

So yes,  getting frustrated over your fitness progress will happen and that is ok.  I mean, if you didn’t really want something then you wouldn’t make the effort or give two shits about what results you’re getting.  But lets not forget how fortunate you are to even have a body to take through this journey.

After all, you could be learning how to feed yourself again…

 

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7 Weeks Out & Getting Off Da Sugah

As I sit in my bed completely binging on “Prison Break” I begin to think about my prep, the progress and my efforts.   Immediately my mind goes to fear that I won’t be ready in time.  No matter how many people tell me that I’m  “good”, something inside me triggers panic mode and I have to refrain myself from overdoing it.  I try not to focus too much of my energy in that fear and instead I think about what can I do this week to help myself progress.

There are two things I’ve been saying I am going to give up in my diet for a while now but couldn’t bear to let go.  Are you ready to laugh at me?  The two things that I’ve been obsessed with are my sugary ass coffee creamer and gummy vitamins.  I know, it sounds ridiculous but here’s the thing;  I don’t need my coffee creamer because I don’t need coffee.  Coffee doesn’t give me energy in the morning and I don’t like the bitter taste, which is why I drown it in white chocolate creamer.  I believe in flexible dieting and I believe it is something you can do on show prep, but if I don’t need to consume sugary shit every morning then why do it?  My coffee is like a cup of dessert in the morning and I believe my unwillingness to let that go for this prep only speaks to how much I am serious about my prep commitment.

Gummy vitamins, oh….the gummy vitamins….those bad boys are amazing!!  Once again, I don’t need these gummy vitamins since I have real adult vitamins so I eat these little babies as another form of a treat.  The thing with these gummy vitamins is that they are sugar and have carbs.  It may not be much, but with the way I like consume them I am not surprised that I’m not peeing a neon yellow every morning.

As silly as it may sound to the non-prepping person who is trying to limit their diet soda intake, this has been my way to “get around” my commitment for some sweet tooth satisfaction.  Committing to a show isn’t a lifestyle committment.  This isn’t a quick fix to lose weight and it doesn’t necessarily promote lifestyle change (at least not all of them).  When I committed to this show I committed to the challenge and everything it was going to take to get to my goal.

So…I’m 7 weeks out.  That means 7 more weeks of more of my effort and 7 less weeks of coffee and gummy vitamins. When I’m done with show prep I will sure as hell enjoy a hot cup of dessert coffee with a side of gummies, but for now I can stand to be a grown up and cut the shit out.

By the way, today is day 1 and my withdrawal shakes are minimal.  I think I got this!

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