I love competing. I love everything about the struggle of prep and it always seems impossible when I am doing it, which makes it so rewarding to get on stage. As much as I knew what I must do post show and as much as I thought I was mentally prepared, I really wasn’t.
I can’t really explain where it all began and it doesn’t even matter at this point, but my body filling out and the scale go up really played a toll on my mind. It is hard to explain, but your eyes literally play tricks on you. You get so use to seeing your body shrink dramatically week after week. You know this is just for the show. You know this isn’t maintainable and that it will all come to an end but 5 extra pounds on the body looks like 20 in your mind. Week after week, pound after pound, I was mentally freaking out feeling like a failure. I should be able to maintain this. Everyone else does, right? I kept going back and forth with my logical, reasonable thoughts to irrational post show competitor thoughts. It was a roller coaster of mental self-talk that took me months to get out of.
I know some people reading this would wonder why the hell would I want to do that again? It’s “so unhealthy”. Sure, you can definitely argue putting myself through that mental torture isn’t the best thing to do, but what you don’t understand is I see it as a challenge and a chance for growth. It’s an opportunity to prove to myself that I can beat these stupid thoughts, that I will not go back to the old Kristine, and that after all these years of self work and understanding I have the ability to get out of these slumps faster than ever before. And honestly, I’m proud. Sure, it sucked. For months, it sucked and in the moment I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t feel just as good with my body 20lbs heavier than I was on stage, but I got through it and now I am here.
So what now?
I still plan to compete and I plan to do it slower and smarter next time. I learned a lot of about myself and my body the last prep which I plan to use to the next one. I am currently 17lbs heavier than I was on stage and I know quite a bit of that is fat, but there is nothing I can do it about it now other than embrace it. I am finally at balance with my diet and am slowly reversing my calories out; I am currently eating about 1750 calories and hope to get it up to as close to 2000 before I cut again. I’m lifting heavy and I love it! I’m doing the hatch squat program (I also added in bench and press) with an extra glutes and shoulder day and hit the other body parts in between. I am doing NO cardio which I am currently loving and I am definitely in no rush to start that back up again! As much as I would love to be leaner and see a smaller waistline, I am 100% on board with building up my strength and increasing my muscle. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I had thoughts of maybe doing a mini cut but then I remember, “YOU’RE ASS WON’T GROW IF YOU DO THAT!” so I eat and lift like my life depends on it.
I feel good, really good and I feel like my old self again. I pay attention to the scale less and admire my physique more which is exactly how it should be! I’m looking forward to the future and seeing all the gains. Gains, Gains, Gains!