Beauty & The Baby Cop

FullSizeRender (71)I hate dating.   Mainly because it seems like such a project to filter through and find decent human beings.  However, even though it sometimes feels like more work then fun, I always come out with some ridiculous story to share. Which brings me to one of my favorite experiences…

My date with the Baby Cop.

During one of my short stints of online dating I met Baby Cop. For the first time in a long time I found someone that I really enjoyed talking too and I definitely wanted to spend time with him. In a two week time span, we talked almost every day and fit in 3 dates.  At that time in my life, all that time with someone would have been “too much” and freak me out but I was trying to go with the flow since we seemed to hit it off.

So this cop…

He was an inch taller than me, very lean and overall a petite man, was divorce with a child and had a face that only a mother could love.  Ok, he wasn’t hideous but he wasn’t the best looking guy either.  Despite feeling like an Amazon Woman next to him I was still attracted and enjoyed spending time with him. I was unsure about the single dad thing, but I was willing to see how this would go being that it had been so long that I felt any kind of connection with someone.

About this 3rd date…

Since he worked late afternoon/nights and weekends the plan was to go see an early showing of “Ted” and have lunch afterwards. We get in the theater, the movie starts and Baby Cop snuggles up onto my shoulder – like, legitimately snuggled. Bitch curled his feet up in fetal position, rested his hands underneath his head and found his little nook between my shoulder and chin to rest his head.

I wish I was lying.

I’m not a big fan of PDA to begin with.  I can handle an arm around the shoulder, holding hands, kiss on the cheek…etc.  But the mushy shit is not for me so imagine the panic in my eyes when this grown ass Baby Cop decided to make a spectacle in a movie theater by channeling his inner 3 year old.  He may have even sucked his thumb in the process but I was too busy trying to act like this wasn’t happening to confirm that.

“I like this guy.  What is happening right now?  This can’t be real.”  

How does a funny, macho man Cop think it is ok or even welcomed to snuggle up on my shoulder in public?  Then he beings whispering sweet nothings in my ear expecting me to have a full blown conversation with him while the movie was playing.  Annoying and creepy. If you ignore it then it didn’t really happen.

Movie is over and it’s time for lunch.

We go to a rather empty restaurant in the mall and get seated at a 6 person table. There is only two of us and this little baby cop probably weighs less than me. I get in the booth and next thing I know my thigh is being smothered by his thigh. This asshole thought it was cute to sit RIGHT NEXT TO ME IN 6 PERSON BOOTH!

So not only is he disgusting me by invading my space but he has made it impossible for me to enjoy my lunch because I have to now eat out of the side of my mouth in order to look at him. I was trying really hard to look past this needy, psycho, skin-me-and-wear-me-as-fur-shit, but he was testing my patience. I can’t remember the exact conversation we had but he said something that implied I was his girlfriend. Oh. Hell. No.

So let me get this straight – after creating a mortifying public display of affection, Baby Cop now wants to piss on me like a dog and I am suppose to be ok with this?

What happened? Where did I miss the crazy flare signals?

At this point I was over trying to give it a chance. I was annoyed, disgusted and in partial shock over the recent turn of events. We were walking to the car and this cute couple walks past us. This guy was about 6 ft tall and his girlfriend was a little shorter than me.  Being a 5’8″ woman wanting a tall man is always a deep desire, but you learn to get over it when you really like someone.  But when you don’t then all bets are off…

Baby Cop: “Do you wish I was that tall?”

Me: “Yep.”

Baby Cop: “Awww….that’s mean”

Well shit, don’t ask a stupid question….dumb ass.


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Online Dating: Why I Find It Annoying

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They say you meet your significant other either at work or at school. Well,  when I graduated college and moved to Arizona I worked at a ballroom dance studio. Do I need to elaborate? The other option is through friends and at that point my closest friend was gay. I basically set myself for an unlimited supply of girlfriends and gay affection.  After years of figuring my way through Arizona I decided to sign up for online dating to see what was out there.  This time I went on a couple of dates and they were fine;  nothing terribly too creepy except my one Baby Cop story that I love to share so much.  Don’t worry, you’ll hear it soon enough!

I did not stay online for too long because Baby J, that shit is exhausting!  It can be a fun distraction to be able to talk to so many “available” men, but it can also feel like a part time job to get through those dreadful messages to find the interesting personality.

When you first sign up you start receiving a mind blowing amount of emails and for a second you think you have hit the jack pot until you open up these messages and you see, “hey.” There is nothing more frustrating than a man who opens up the conversation with one word. Like really, what am I supposed to do with that? One time I responded with a smart ass “hi.” and I got a “what’s up?” Delete.

If you are lucky enough to receive more than a “hey” then you are probably getting something like “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.” I wish I was making this up. One time I got a message that said, “wanna f*ck?” and his only pic was of his body in boxers.  My response, “sorry, your legs are too skinny.” I would have declined his invitation regardless the size of his legs but they really were too skinny. Friends don’t let friends skip leg day folks. He eventually responded back with “wow. No wonder why you are single.” Uh huh, yep! Clearly my pickiness for leg size is the reason why I cannot get a man. Delete.

Every once and a while you come across a message that is actually enticing.  Then you check out their profile and they are 45 and live in Alaska. What the hell am I going to do with that? Delete.

Personal favorite – open the message and decide you aren’t interested. The next day you receive a message that says, “what am I ugly?”  Really sir? Where is your dignity? If I don’t reply it is because I am not interested, get over it. You may not have been ugly but now you are ugly AND annoying. Delete.

When it comes to online dating people seem to think they can get away with lying about their physical appearance; unless you intend on dating the blind this is not going to work. So men let me make this clear….5’11 and 6ft are not one in the same. You might be able to fool a midget but you cannot fool a 5’8″ woman who loves her 5inch heels. I’ve learned that a man who is between the height if 5’8″ and 5’11” seem to think they can get away with rounding up. Guys, we may be a lot of things but stupid isn’t one of them. I learned to go into a date expecting the shortest.

My rounds of online dating lasted about 6 weeks before I got burnt out. It is tiring trying force conversation with these men that insist on messaging but can’t form a sentence and idiots who had elephantiasis of the balls sitting behind a computer screen. I’ve heard this works for many people and maybe it will for me one day, but for now I am still holding out hope for that true American Love story….

Boy meets Girl at the gym.  Girl loves Boy’s Traps.  Boy asks girl how much she deadlifts and if she wants to grab a shake after her lift.  Girl plays it cool but is freaking out on the inside.  Boy proposes standing because he is too buff and inflexible to actually get on one knee.  Girl totes says yes and freaks out on the outside.  They make buff babies; live in an Iron Castle and live Happily Swole Together.

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The Dreaded Text Message Swap

FullSizeRender (16)Being a twenty-something in 2015 is not as easy, fun or as dramatic as reality TV makes it out to be.   We’re broke, confused, trying to fit in and understand what it means to be an acceptable human being in society. Now throw in being single trying to find that other acceptable match and you’ve added another handful of awkward WTF moments.

There is really no gentle way of saying this, but dating is a bitch.  Not only have I met plenty of assholes but I definitely have had my fair share in being one.

Take the other night for example, I was minding my own business trying to find my abs in the mirror when I get a text message from a recent heart breaker, The Douche. To be fair I know in my heart this man is a good person and I really don’t have hard feelings towards him, but it’s just kind of funny to refer to him as The Douche.

So here I am trying to find the best lighting to enhance my ab self-esteem and The Douche finds a way to make my heart fall out my ass when I see his name pop up on my phone.

“What does he want? Does he miss me? He’s thinking of me? Of course he is thinking of me.  In fact, he is probably counting all the ways he messed up and about to beg to have me back…”

::Opens Text Message::

The Douche: Hey…

Oh my god, I knew it.  He is totally in love with me…

Me (playing it cool): Hey, what’s up?

The Douche and I proceed to have a conversation and I began to notice his way of attempting textual seduction. “hmmm”, I thought, “let me just play neutral and act dumb.  This will pass…”

So I do and he backs down for a minute until another opportunity occurs to be flirtatious again.  Let’s pause this story for a second – Men, in what world do you live in where you can hurt a woman and then come back and think it is OK to reminisce over the “fun times”?  Let’s just make something clear,  until you apologize for breaking her heart you’ve lost all privileges in talking to her like you are together again.  Moving on…

I continue to neutralize the conversation in hopes that he would prove his interest in me as a person and not a body, but grew increasingly disappointed when he proved that he was thinking with his Junior.  In typical female fashion, I was giving my bestie the play by play, word for word, breakdown of what was happening. As I am expressing my frustration to her I say, “I feel like he keeps trying to be flirty and sexy and I’ll just ignore it. So he will change the subject but wait for another opportunity in hopes I bite.” Immediately after I hit send my heart falls out my ass again (yes, it’s possible).  I didn’t send that to my girlfriend….I sent that to…



Anyone who has experienced the dreaded text message swap knows they have two choices:  try to find a quick come back to explain this message and how it has nothing to do with him like he will believe it OR just chalk it up as a loss and laugh your ass off.

Me: Well, that’s awkward. I was talking to my girlfriend.

The Douche: lol nice job

Me: LMAO….yep….

And that was the last time my heart fell out my ass and I am not so sure I will be seeing that name pop up on my phone anymore. Ah well…another funny story in the books.  I’ll just thank the Universe in advance for giving me a good laugh anytime I think of him the near future.


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