Beauty & The Baby Cop

FullSizeRender (71)I hate dating.   Mainly because it seems like such a project to filter through and find decent human beings.  However, even though it sometimes feels like more work then fun, I always come out with some ridiculous story to share. Which brings me to one of my favorite experiences…

My date with the Baby Cop.

During one of my short stints of online dating I met Baby Cop. For the first time in a long time I found someone that I really enjoyed talking too and I definitely wanted to spend time with him. In a two week time span, we talked almost every day and fit in 3 dates.  At that time in my life, all that time with someone would have been “too much” and freak me out but I was trying to go with the flow since we seemed to hit it off.

So this cop…

He was an inch taller than me, very lean and overall a petite man, was divorce with a child and had a face that only a mother could love.  Ok, he wasn’t hideous but he wasn’t the best looking guy either.  Despite feeling like an Amazon Woman next to him I was still attracted and enjoyed spending time with him. I was unsure about the single dad thing, but I was willing to see how this would go being that it had been so long that I felt any kind of connection with someone.

About this 3rd date…

Since he worked late afternoon/nights and weekends the plan was to go see an early showing of “Ted” and have lunch afterwards. We get in the theater, the movie starts and Baby Cop snuggles up onto my shoulder – like, legitimately snuggled. Bitch curled his feet up in fetal position, rested his hands underneath his head and found his little nook between my shoulder and chin to rest his head.

I wish I was lying.

I’m not a big fan of PDA to begin with.  I can handle an arm around the shoulder, holding hands, kiss on the cheek…etc.  But the mushy shit is not for me so imagine the panic in my eyes when this grown ass Baby Cop decided to make a spectacle in a movie theater by channeling his inner 3 year old.  He may have even sucked his thumb in the process but I was too busy trying to act like this wasn’t happening to confirm that.

“I like this guy.  What is happening right now?  This can’t be real.”  

How does a funny, macho man Cop think it is ok or even welcomed to snuggle up on my shoulder in public?  Then he beings whispering sweet nothings in my ear expecting me to have a full blown conversation with him while the movie was playing.  Annoying and creepy. If you ignore it then it didn’t really happen.

Movie is over and it’s time for lunch.

We go to a rather empty restaurant in the mall and get seated at a 6 person table. There is only two of us and this little baby cop probably weighs less than me. I get in the booth and next thing I know my thigh is being smothered by his thigh. This asshole thought it was cute to sit RIGHT NEXT TO ME IN 6 PERSON BOOTH!

So not only is he disgusting me by invading my space but he has made it impossible for me to enjoy my lunch because I have to now eat out of the side of my mouth in order to look at him. I was trying really hard to look past this needy, psycho, skin-me-and-wear-me-as-fur-shit, but he was testing my patience. I can’t remember the exact conversation we had but he said something that implied I was his girlfriend. Oh. Hell. No.

So let me get this straight – after creating a mortifying public display of affection, Baby Cop now wants to piss on me like a dog and I am suppose to be ok with this?

What happened? Where did I miss the crazy flare signals?

At this point I was over trying to give it a chance. I was annoyed, disgusted and in partial shock over the recent turn of events. We were walking to the car and this cute couple walks past us. This guy was about 6 ft tall and his girlfriend was a little shorter than me.  Being a 5’8″ woman wanting a tall man is always a deep desire, but you learn to get over it when you really like someone.  But when you don’t then all bets are off…

Baby Cop: “Do you wish I was that tall?”

Me: “Yep.”

Baby Cop: “Awww….that’s mean”

Well shit, don’t ask a stupid question….dumb ass.


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