My fitness goals and regime have taken a back seat the past two weeks. I’ve been emotional and mentally stressed over this house situation as this process has literally been a roller coaster for me. It’s consisted of mostly ups, but the occasional downs are self-created due to doubt and fear.
This week I had my inspection for the house which was an overwhelming hour and a half. The Inspector, Realtor and I went over an 8-page list and at first, I glanced it over thinking, “this isn’t so bad…” As he went through each item all I could see were dollar signs that would eventually come out of my pocket. Then I started to realize some of this stuff I could do, but wait…could I? I’m not handy. I can’t even cook. I’ve burned hardboiled eggs for crying out loud! I don’t even know what part he is talking about, where to get it, what to ask for, how to install it… I don’t have a man in the house to take care of these handy chores…I going to go broke as fuck hiring people to install one tiny tube because I’m helpless…what have I done?! …FUCK, I’M SCREWED!
After the panic, sadness set in then fear, then doubt, then fear, then sadness, and then panic all over again. Eventually, I came down from all that and reassured myself that I could do this. Everything that I don’t know, I can learn. I can make all of these terrifying decisions by myself and if it doesn’t go right then I will learn from them. I don’t need to fear making mistakes because how else will I learn?
I often envy those that have the opportunity to make these big decisions with someone by their side. It must be easier to panic with someone and know that you are in this together. If you screw up, someone is there to feel the pains with you and help you stand up. Yea, that sounds nice.
However, I don’t have that opportunity, but I do know that unlike other people, I know what it is like to be alone. And I’ll know what it is like to truly be independent. When I find my partner, I will be able to be with them out of true companionship, not dependency. No matter what happens in my relationships, I can stand alone because I’ve done it for so long. Don’t get me wrong, knowing all of this does not take away the fear or the panic. That will always be there because there is nothing scarier than going through life alone, but I’ll always be ok.
Panicking, but ok.