A Loss for Words

I’ve been having a hard time getting on track with my fitness regime.  I’ve had moments where I was burnt out and not motivated to work out. It didn’t bother me because I knew I needed that break and I would return after I caught my breath (which I always did).

This time it is different.  I don’t feel like I ever got “burnt” out from the gym.   What started as laziness (for lack of a better word), turned into my new habit to unwind and evolved into terrible habits that seem difficult to break.  As I’ve mentioned in my previous post, the stress of work and the people around me have affected me.  My world has changed as I bought a new home and while this is a great thing, it has also come with a basket of different stressors and feelings; adjusting to new finances,  making sure I’m on my budget so I don’t make a big mistake,  loving the feeling of coming home alone, hating the feeling of being home alone, enjoying my single girl moments but then getting lazy because it’s comfortable to bum around…etc.   The gym used to be my place, my second home, my stress relief, my social circle…my everything.  Even when I didn’t want to be there, I still left feeling accomplished.   Yet, I can barely get myself to walk through the front doors.

The biggest thing is the stress. I’ve always had mismanaged my stress but I think exercise and personal fitness goals kept me productive and happy.  Now, I’m unproductive, unmotivated and I have more sad/mad days than I do good.  And no, I’m not depressed. I know depression very well and this isn’t it, but I’ve never been so unfocused and uninspired to create a personal goal and work for it.   Honestly, I hate it. I hate the person I’m becoming as I worked so hard to not be this girl. I’ve spent years on working to be better than this.  And for some damn reason, even as I write this out, I can’t help be feel lost and confused by my lack of ambition.

I don’t know guys.

I just don’t know, but I need to figure it out soon. 

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