The Earliest Memory of My Life…

Most of my life has been a black hole with a couple of traumatizing events that loop on constant replay. I remember nothing.  I know I had a good childhood filled with loving family and friends.  I know I shared great moments and laughed till I cried, but unfortunately, this is how my brain chose to survive. As you know, I’m ready to no longer live in denial and get to the bottom of “me”.

My earliest memory of life was at 13 years old. “Your mom is paralyzed” are words I never thought I would hear nor did I fully understand what that meant.  My mom, paralyzed? How could that be? She was a Super Hero, our very own Spider Woman who climbed all areas of the house, fixing, decorating and creating the home we knew.  She “made” toys, sewed together outfits, and would spend hours helping us create this elaborate life for our dolls…this woman was not paralyzed.

I still remember standing in the elevator waiting to see this woman they called my “Mother”. I could probably still find my way to the hospital room today with little effort that’s how clear this memory remains. I saw her laying on the bed, lifeless, drugged up and so fuckin fragile. All I could do was cry. I wanted to hug her but how could I? This wasn’t my mom. My mom was strong. This person; this person could break. This wasn’t my mother.

That entire summer of my life was a robotic routine.  My younger sister and I slept with my Dad every night in the same bed. Every morning he would wake up and go to work while we stayed in bed.  When we were finally ready to get up, which was probably around noon, we walked the dog, ate breakfast and went back to bed to watch tv. We never left that room. My church would drop off dinner for us and I would pack it waiting for my Dad to come home so we could have dinner at the hospital.  We never missed a dinner or a weekend with my Mom. This was our life now.

When you are younger, you don’t really realize what abandonment is when it is happening.   You just go through life doing what you need to do to survive.  My Dad didn’t have a choice but to leave us home alone so he could go to work and take care of us.   But I never saw my extended family that summer. Nobody offered to take us in, nobody called us…I mean, did anyone even know what was going on?  We were 13 and 9 and left to our empty house alone.  We survived because we had each other but from that moment on, it became very clear that the only people who would ever have my back were my Sister, my Mom, and my Dad.

I have friendships that I would consider to be close, but if I’m being honest, it is hard for me to let someone in…really in…like depend on them kind of “in”.   I could move today and not miss anyone. Why? Because I am not really connected. I envy people that feel like they “couldn’t live without” another person.  I envy those relationships that feel like they found this stranger who would always be there to pick them up when they’ve fallen.  I want those relationships, but my young life taught me that this didn’t exist. I want to believe that there are people in my life with genuine interest and love.  And on some level, I do believe that these people exist, but how do I get around this painful belief of, “If my own family can’t be there for me in a time of need then how can I expect complete strangers too?”

So there you have it – the foundation of my trust issues and human disconnection. I’ve lived my life on the surface, just getting by and staying protected. I have so much work to do and I am ready to do it…but damn, my poor therapist…

~Thanks for letting me share ~

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“Courage doesn’t happen when you have all the answers.  It happens when you are ready to face the questions you have been avoiding your whole life.” Shannon L. Adler

When I started “Beauty In The Buff”, I documented my journey through my first show and revealed little bits and pieces of the emotional battles I was dealing with throughout the process.  Then I
transformed it to a fitness focus/Mental empowerment place.  Now…now, I am cycling back to the beginning.

I wish I could keep up the fitness focus content, but truly, I’ve never been one to hide who I am no matter how guarded I may be.  This is where I am at in life.  I’m emotional and highly aware of my self-sabotaging behavior.  The truth is, I’m finally accepting events that occurred 20+ years ago that I denied and suppressed.  As you can imagine, after acknowledgment, the protective shield I once I had is quickly crumbling down.

Don’t get me wrong. As emotional, this process is for me, it’s also very good.  I am aware. So aware, that it scares me. I haven’t figured out what to do with all of this information but I am working with a therapist to sort through these past pains and current behavioral habits.  If you haven’t been following, I’ve vaguely discussed this on the new YouTube Series “Metamorphosis“.  I’ll continue to vlog and blog and express myself in whatever way that helps me heal.  I will in time reveal more as to what I am dealing with and hope to lift some weight off my shoulders while doing it.

I would normally apologize for the change in direction, but this is me. My blog is Me and written (first) for me.  I hope you stay around but understand if this isn’t your jam anymore. Thank you for supporting me through the ups and downs and I hope you stay around to watch me come out stronger!

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So many things race through my head and I don’t know where to begin. Old feelings are resurfacing, unfamiliar feelings are appearing and I don’t know where to go from here.  I’m in a constant state of confusion and loneliness.  Every time I think I am growing, learning and getting stronger, reality hits and they are just desperate actions trying to fit in, be accepted and find stability in my relationships. Maybe I invest too much of me in other people or get lost in the hopes of the future that I miss reality. Then sometimes I wonder, “do I ignore the truth because it’s ‘too good’ to be real?” Either way, I always end up in the same place.

Here. By myself. Watching everyone’s life move on without me and I am still trying to get a ticket to that train. My accomplishments in life feel so surface. I got myself out a debt, bought a house by myself, have a job I love and yet life continues to pass me by because every success is shared alone.

Watching everyone’s life move on without me and I am still trying to get a ticket to that train. My accomplishments in life feel so surface. I got myself out a debt, bought a house by myself, have a job I love and yet life continues to pass me by because every success I share is alone.

I want to have faith in God’s plan for my life.  I want to believe that I meant to accomplish great things. I want to believe that I was meant to love another. I want to believe there is something more. I want to believe in all of that because, we as humans, need that hope to stay alive.

My goal was to keep this blog positive and real.  Well, the reality is not everything can be positive.  Real feelings suck and right now, this is my “real”. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. Tomorrow will be a better day.

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