Living in America: The Scared Truth

Since the recent events of the Orlando Shooting I’ve been experience dreams and thoughts of events related to loss or the fear of losing.  I’ve had thoughts of losing my family members, my animals, my friends, my life and my safety and it’s all been tragic visuals.    Maybe it is because I am older and wiser, but these tragic events never really got to me like they do now.  They used to seem like distant stories that they create in a Hollywood Movie for entertainment.

It wasn’t until the Monday after the Orlando shooting where I was listening to the radio and they played the audio of shooting that was taking place inside the club and I realized this wasn’t a movie.  This was real.  This really happened and the terror these people experienced before they died sent chills up my spine.  Later that day, I found out through Facebook that a best friend I had in High School had been affected by this tragedy…her cousin was a victim.  I never met him but I knew of him through stories her family use to share when I would visit their house.   Seeing that post on Facebook made me realized that it doesn’t matter if this happened in city across the country because it could happen anywhere and to any of us.

This may have been an attack on the gay community but it could have been in a race community or religion community or even a gender community. This could be in a grocery store, at a park, in church, at a club or just walking down the street minding their business and someone psycho starts shooting up the block as people walk by. It doesn’t matter what was the target community or where it happened, because at the end of the day we are all humans living in America and I don’t feel safe in my own home any more.   This recent tragedy may have been across the country and may not have hurt anyone that I personally know, but it is much closer to me (and all of us) then it appears on paper.

I’m not sure what to make of these thoughts or what the solution is to safety of our country and I don’t know how I can help be apart of the change, but I have hopes that I will figure it out.   In the mean time, life is too short to be sad, mad or even scared.  And while I am human with a roller coaster of emotions, I don’t want my last moment on earth feeling any of those feelings.

What are your thoughts?

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What’s the deal, yo?

Well, I’ve been out for some time and it is mainly because I’ve lacked motivation and inspiration for life all around.  Don’t get me wrong, I am happy but my passion to create and inspire has diminished. Mainly because I am trying to get myself together since the last show.

I know, I know, it’s been like four months and I am still talking about it?!  What you have to understand is that post show was a shock to my system.  It was a humbling experience as I thought I would never repeat the same patterns or thoughts again.  I haven’t quite figured out what triggered me but it was something within prep not the prep itself.  So I’ve spent these past few months trying to “regain control” and get back to my old ways but the more I tried to be in control the more out of control I’ve felt.

So about a month ago I decided to stop tracking my macros and intuitively eat.  The second I did that the pressure of trying to maintain a certain look rolled off my shoulders and my menstrual cycle came back and let me tell you, I felt like a champion that morning.  There is something about missing your period as a woman that makes me feel like your less of a woman. It’s strange and it was concerning, worrying about my health was constantly on my mind.  But what do you know? The second I stopped worrying about everything my body bounced back and I felt better.  Stress is a bitch I tell ya.

Since I stopped tracking my macros, my body began to love the food I ate (healthy or not) and my zest for physique improvements came back.  I gained about 5lbs in that process and although I don’t care for my current stats they fail to bother me as much as it use too knowing that I can change  all of that.

Current Stats: 161lbs / 29.8% Current Macros: 192c / 155p / 51f
Current Stats:
161lbs / 29.8%
Current Macros:
192c / 155p / 51f

Fast forward today – I am back on my macros and I am eating more carbs than I always thought I could handle.  I was convinced my body preferred higher fat and lower carb, which in the past always felt good, but recently it seems as though my body is not rejecting the higher carbs as it use to and I am not complaining.  I am feeling more focused on myself and my goals;  I still have plans to compete this year (in early December), continuing to improve my blog/vlog is always on my mind and I am getting ready to sit my ass down and write the book I keep saying I am going to do.  My mind took a couple of steps back which may have taken me by surprised but I can feel that I am coming out stronger from it.

So I am making the decision to make my blog more personal like when I first started.  Truthfully, being able to express my voice has always been therapeutic and it is true to who I am and my purpose in all of this.  Don’t worry, I promise to still share everything fitness and food along the way!

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Thoughts at Thirty

I have been trying to collect my thoughts and sort them out; my head was spinning with a bunch of words and emotions that didn’t make any sense.  Exactly a week ago was my birthday, but not just any birthday, THE Birthday….I am officially in my thirties, y’all.  People have asked, “how does it feel?” and while my initial response is, “great”, my internal thoughts were of a bipolar person. Am I happy, sad, or indifferent?  It wasn’t until now that I realized I am thankful at 30.

 
Truth be told I never saw my life in my thirties.  It was almost like I never expected to be here at 30 years old and by “here” I mean as the woman that I am today.  Three years ago it was hard to imagine what happiness, confidence and self love was like.  I never really understood that depression didn’t have to be permanent, confidence didn’t have to go in waves and I didn’t need someone’s approval to love myself.


I have The Gym to thank for that. 

 

The Gym gave me oxygen so that I could learn how to breath.  It gave me the chance to save my life and be my own super hero. I didn’t need a man to save me from the internal hell I was creating and I didn’t need the support or the encouraging words that everything would be ok. I saved myself without using someone else’s back bone and I learned to love myself without someone telling me that they loved me back.


The Gym
taught me strength, discipline and a new perspective on my body.  I no longer hated what I saw when I looked in the mirror nor did I emphasized my thoughts on my “problem areas”.  I began to look past the body fat and saw shape, definition, and new curves that I didn’t have before.  The best part of it all was that I created this.

The Gym taught me self empowerment.  I learned that I didn’t need to continue to be a prisoner within my skin and that I had the abilities to change my circumstances.  I had the power to change my phsyqiue in any way I wanted;  If I wanted bigger muscles then I could make it happen.  If I wanted to slim down then shit, let’s get to work.  If I wanted to throw all my physique plans in the trash and just lift shit for funzies then I did that too.   I felt empowered to do what ever I wanted and I wish someone would have tried to stop me.

The Gym taught my patience and perseverance.   Changes didn’t happen overnight and I experienced many frustrated days, weeks and months, but I kept going despite my negative thoughts and screw ups.  After all the pity parties I attended, I still managed to make it out and reach my goals despite it all.

The Gym has been the greatest gift to my life as it has made me realize how special I am at thirty years old.  I could sit here and think about all the things I thought I would have had at thirty like a husband, family, booming career and my own home or at least be very close to some of these things.  I am not close to marriage, a child, owning my own home and in many ways I am just beginning my career.  I could let all that break my heart but instead it just makes me smile.

Because of The Gym I realized I’ve been given a gift to create the life I want without any obligations to anyone or anything but myself.  I am not a prisoner of my circumstance and with some patience, perserverance and a lot of self love, I am capable of creating the most amazing life ever imagined with or without a person by my side.

So, cheers to be thirty! May these be the best years of my life with the biggest Glutes I can possibly build!

fitness_sharks-peak-week_UNEDITED-112

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Working With My Demons

I’ve been trying to figure out the best way to communicate what has been going on.  Do I vlog and talk or do I just write?  I did record like a 30 minute vlog that I started editing down but as I watched it I realized this wasn’t me. Well, it wasn’t my best. So here I am writing it all down and given you the update.

Since I got off stage my fitness lifestyle has felt like a rollercoaster and it all began with insecurities and comparing myself with other women; it actually started two weeks before stepping on stage. I did my best to ignore those stupid thoughts and managed my way through it but they stayed hidden in the back of my head.

After the show I was on a winning high but soon after I hit a plateau and those insecurities and comparisons started to come back.  I fought my negative thoughts for weeks because I knew they weren’t true but it was still effecting me.  I was allowing my weight define my progress and I began to focus on all the negatives of prep. From talking with my coach, we concluded my metabolism has slowed down (which happens from months of dieting) so the lack of movement wasn’t just me.  This was relieving to hear but I still couldn’t shake the little bitch hanging out on my shoulder.

I decided not to pursue the second show that just took place because my body isn’t ready and it’s not worth sacrificing my health or my competitive future. I’ve been “off” prep the past week and a half and have been trying to reverse out of my diet.  I would be lying if I said this was easy, but I am trying and working at it every day.   My long-term plan is to compete in a California show in December.  This gives me more than enough time to get my metabolism and hormones right where they need to be, put on some quality muscle and slowly cut at a higher caloric base and not end up in the position I am in today.

As far as my thoughts – it will always be constant work, but as I continue to grow I realize how human I am and how accepting I need to be of my demons. I’ve tried so hard to fight them and the more I fight the more I lose.   I’ve put in a lot of work at understanding them and learning to recognize trouble, but there is a difference in coping and trying to erase a part of your personality. Now, I think it is time I accept who I am in every way and use those demons in my favor.  It is time I see it as a personal challenge and use it to propel me forward in my goals.  This is a new mindset I’ve started to develop over the last week and I’ve been trying to apply all of my strengths and weaknesses to my personal development.

I am determined to come back stronger in every sense of the word for this next show.  I know it is not going to be easy and the rollercoaster isn’t over, but I also know it is going to be worth it.

How do you work with your inner demons?

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