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So many things race through my head and I don’t know where to begin. Old feelings are resurfacing, unfamiliar feelings are appearing and I don’t know where to go from here.  I’m in a constant state of confusion and loneliness.  Every time I think I am growing, learning and getting stronger, reality hits and they are just desperate actions trying to fit in, be accepted and find stability in my relationships. Maybe I invest too much of me in other people or get lost in the hopes of the future that I miss reality. Then sometimes I wonder, “do I ignore the truth because it’s ‘too good’ to be real?” Either way, I always end up in the same place.

Here. By myself. Watching everyone’s life move on without me and I am still trying to get a ticket to that train. My accomplishments in life feel so surface. I got myself out a debt, bought a house by myself, have a job I love and yet life continues to pass me by because every success is shared alone.

Watching everyone’s life move on without me and I am still trying to get a ticket to that train. My accomplishments in life feel so surface. I got myself out a debt, bought a house by myself, have a job I love and yet life continues to pass me by because every success I share is alone.

I want to have faith in God’s plan for my life.  I want to believe that I meant to accomplish great things. I want to believe that I was meant to love another. I want to believe there is something more. I want to believe in all of that because, we as humans, need that hope to stay alive.

My goal was to keep this blog positive and real.  Well, the reality is not everything can be positive.  Real feelings suck and right now, this is my “real”. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. Tomorrow will be a better day.

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My Next Goal

Hello My Lovelies and Welcome Back!

So the last post I promised you that I would give you more insight of my next fitness goal; a photo shoot!

I’m really excited about this.  I’ve always wanted to do a photo shoot for myself, not because I am prepping, but just because.  I get to dictate how I want to look, I don’t need to be compared against any other woman and I don’t need to worry about a certain number or look.  What I like is what I shoot. It will be a fitness shoot so I do have a “physique” in mind, but this is all for me and only me.  Not for a trophy, just for me.

IG @ Beautyinthebuff

The photo shoot is set to happen in LA during the second week of February so I still have some time and have been prepping for about two months.  I am not tracking my food as far as macros go, but I am measuring so I know where I am starting from and how to decrease from there.  This is my first time not be strict and more “intuitive” with my dieting and it is working out pretty well.  I’m not stressed and I feel “normal”.  As far as my training goes, I just signed up for the Bret Contreras’ Personalized Programming and I’m loving it so far.

If you don’t know who Bret Contreras is, he is known as the “Glute Guy” and is intelligent as all hell when it comes to the body (you should seriously read his stuff!!).   His program for me isn’t anything ground breaking or nothing I couldn’t program, but being the normal human I am, I get stuck in my comfort zone and need that extra push by someone I respect to get me out of it.  The workload as far as reps and sets are less than I am use to but it is forcing me to push myself harder than I have in order to make it “hard”. I love what it is doing to my body (I’m sore!) and my mind. I’m noticing my strength and my reflection in a positive way. If you have $99 a month to fit into your budget and need help with a program (this does not come with nutrition) and are pretty good at holding yourself accountable, then I highly suggest you give this a try!

I’m looking forward to the changes in my body as this is the first time I am cutting not for a trophy or out of self-hatred, but just because I want to see my gains!  This is a first for me and it’s kind of scary, but all kinds of good.

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Oh Boy, Here We Go Again…

I know, I know. I’ve come and gone before.  The truth is, I’ve “suffered” from trying to be something I am not and fit in with all the other online fitness people. I kept forgetting what got “Beauty In The Buff” started in the first place.  I never did it to be an online Fitness Guru or motivation for anyone. I did it for my thoughts and way to express myself and document my journey (the good and the bad). While my consistency waivers, the one thing that never leaves me is my desire to keep blogging/vlogging. I think about you all the time, boo!
So, I am going back to the beginning, to how it all started and the purpose of blogging/vlogging.  This is for me, baby, but I hope you like it!

First off, a lot of positive things have happened since I bought my house. One of my close friends moved in and we are both on the same page when it comes to fitness and our goals.  I mean, we are practically swolemates which has been really nice. We prep together, we gym together, we tan together,

Halloween 2017 as the Bella Twins

food shop together, party together…etc. It has been fun, to say the least.

Secondly, it still shocks me to say this, but I found Jesus and on October 15, 2017, I made the decision to get baptized.   It has been an interesting, terrifying but positive process.  I would say that the majority of the positive changes have occurred since I decided to let Jesus show me how to live this life.  I’ve made my mistakes along the way, naturally, and I feel a little embarrassed to say that since I got baptized I got caught up in partying and put Jesus second. However, I am getting myself back to working with my relationship with Jesus and I am looking forward to going to church this Sunday.  If I am being really honest, since I sidetracked myself with partying, my mental and emotional state has slipped and now I am in a bit of a funk. Boy, I’ve got some work to do!

Halloween 2017

 

As far as my fitness has been going, I’ve been working on a slow cut for about two months and my roommate and I have a photo shoot planned for February.  In an effort to keep this post short, I’ll just dangle that carrot and give you more details on that tomorrow. I just wanted to stop by and say hi, Squirrelfriends.

I’ve missed you!

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Thank You!

I just wanted to say “Thank You” to everyone who has reached out and gave me nice words of encouragement after my last post, A Loss for Words.  It really means a lot to me that there are people out there, some strangers and some friends, that took the time out to try to pick me up and encourage me to keep going!

The truth is, we all have these slumps in life and I’ve learned to allow myself to “feel” the pain so that I can work through it.  But I am human and because of the industry I am in and the people who I’ve worked with, I expect more from myself.  I don’t want to let people down and be weak for them.   I think, “How can people rely on me if I’m a shit show?  How am I suppose to help other people and support them on their journey if I can’t get my ass in gear?”

I suppose I am no use to anyone if I continue to hide and wallow in my confusion, but ya know…I just have that pride thing going on. Anyway, thank you again for supporting me through my fitness journey and I promise to the both of us that I will not let us down!

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A Loss for Words

I’ve been having a hard time getting on track with my fitness regime.  I’ve had moments where I was burnt out and not motivated to work out. It didn’t bother me because I knew I needed that break and I would return after I caught my breath (which I always did).

This time it is different.  I don’t feel like I ever got “burnt” out from the gym.   What started as laziness (for lack of a better word), turned into my new habit to unwind and evolved into terrible habits that seem difficult to break.  As I’ve mentioned in my previous post, the stress of work and the people around me have affected me.  My world has changed as I bought a new home and while this is a great thing, it has also come with a basket of different stressors and feelings; adjusting to new finances,  making sure I’m on my budget so I don’t make a big mistake,  loving the feeling of coming home alone, hating the feeling of being home alone, enjoying my single girl moments but then getting lazy because it’s comfortable to bum around…etc.   The gym used to be my place, my second home, my stress relief, my social circle…my everything.  Even when I didn’t want to be there, I still left feeling accomplished.   Yet, I can barely get myself to walk through the front doors.

The biggest thing is the stress. I’ve always had mismanaged my stress but I think exercise and personal fitness goals kept me productive and happy.  Now, I’m unproductive, unmotivated and I have more sad/mad days than I do good.  And no, I’m not depressed. I know depression very well and this isn’t it, but I’ve never been so unfocused and uninspired to create a personal goal and work for it.   Honestly, I hate it. I hate the person I’m becoming as I worked so hard to not be this girl. I’ve spent years on working to be better than this.  And for some damn reason, even as I write this out, I can’t help be feel lost and confused by my lack of ambition.

I don’t know guys.

I just don’t know, but I need to figure it out soon. 

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