Working With My Demons

I’ve been trying to figure out the best way to communicate what has been going on.  Do I vlog and talk or do I just write?  I did record like a 30 minute vlog that I started editing down but as I watched it I realized this wasn’t me. Well, it wasn’t my best. So here I am writing it all down and given you the update.

Since I got off stage my fitness lifestyle has felt like a rollercoaster and it all began with insecurities and comparing myself with other women; it actually started two weeks before stepping on stage. I did my best to ignore those stupid thoughts and managed my way through it but they stayed hidden in the back of my head.

After the show I was on a winning high but soon after I hit a plateau and those insecurities and comparisons started to come back.  I fought my negative thoughts for weeks because I knew they weren’t true but it was still effecting me.  I was allowing my weight define my progress and I began to focus on all the negatives of prep. From talking with my coach, we concluded my metabolism has slowed down (which happens from months of dieting) so the lack of movement wasn’t just me.  This was relieving to hear but I still couldn’t shake the little bitch hanging out on my shoulder.

I decided not to pursue the second show that just took place because my body isn’t ready and it’s not worth sacrificing my health or my competitive future. I’ve been “off” prep the past week and a half and have been trying to reverse out of my diet.  I would be lying if I said this was easy, but I am trying and working at it every day.   My long-term plan is to compete in a California show in December.  This gives me more than enough time to get my metabolism and hormones right where they need to be, put on some quality muscle and slowly cut at a higher caloric base and not end up in the position I am in today.

As far as my thoughts – it will always be constant work, but as I continue to grow I realize how human I am and how accepting I need to be of my demons. I’ve tried so hard to fight them and the more I fight the more I lose.   I’ve put in a lot of work at understanding them and learning to recognize trouble, but there is a difference in coping and trying to erase a part of your personality. Now, I think it is time I accept who I am in every way and use those demons in my favor.  It is time I see it as a personal challenge and use it to propel me forward in my goals.  This is a new mindset I’ve started to develop over the last week and I’ve been trying to apply all of my strengths and weaknesses to my personal development.

I am determined to come back stronger in every sense of the word for this next show.  I know it is not going to be easy and the rollercoaster isn’t over, but I also know it is going to be worth it.

How do you work with your inner demons?

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You Don’t Get to QUIT

You can cry.
You can throw a tantrum.
You can be disappointed in yourself.
You can even have a pity party….for a second.
But you don’t get to quit. 

Everyone struggles through their fitness journey.  Everyone struggles to get to their goals.  Everyone makes mistakes and falls off their plan.  Everyone gets in a rut and a lot of people quit, but not you.

You don’t get to quit.

You are allowed to make your mistakes. You are allowed to question your strength and feel weak in your weakest moments.  But you aren’t allowed to say, “I suck….I will never get there…maybe I am meant to be fat…”

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No, you don’t get to quit.

Strength doesn’t come from being perfect; executing the perfect plan, having your body respond perfectly, be in the perfect motivated mood, getting in the perfect work out or having the stress-free perfect life.  Your strength comes from acknowledging these imperfections and pushing pass them in efforts to overcome the old you. The old you may have been a quitter but this new you knows that she doesn’t get to quit. 

Promise yourself that no matter how hard it gets you won’t ever quit.  Promise yourself that even when it feels impossible you will find a way to pick yourself back up despite it taking days to do so.  You owe it to yourself to never quit because on the other side of this journey is life so beautiful and fulfilling that you’ll never want to go back.

So cry your tears, lecture yourself, veg on the coach and watch your Netflix all weekend long.  Then when you are done put your gym clothes on and prep your meals because deep down you know that you don’t get to quit.



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Banana-Coconut Pancakes

Here is a little something for all you pancake lovers out there!

1/2 cDulce-de-Leche-and-Banana-Pancakes-2up tapioca flour (I used bob’s red mill)
1/2 cup brown rice flour

3 tablespoons ground golden flax

1/4 cup coconut flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon sea salt
2 heaping tablespoons agave or Lyle’s golden syrup
(honey will work too)
1 mashed ripe banana
1/2 cup unsweetened coconut milk
1/2 cup warm water
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
  • Place all dry ingredients (tapioca starch, brown rice flour, flax, coconut flour,baking powder, and sea salt) into a medium mixing bowl. Stir briefly with a whisk to incorporate.
  • Add the wet ingredients (agave, banana, coconut milk, water and vanilla) and mix thoroughly for a minute or two or until smooth. Set aside for 5 minutes and heat a skillet on medium-high.
  • When the skillet is hot, grease it with your oil of choice (I use coconut oil).
  • Spoon or scoop pancakes 1/4 cup of batter at a time onto the skillet. You may need to use a spoon or heat-proof spatula to spread the batter into circles as it will be somewhat elastic.
  • Cook for 2-3 minutes and flip when the edges are just beginning to dry a bit (mine also looked like they were just beginning to dimple). Adjust heat down to medium if necessary. Cook the remaining side for 1-2 additional minutes.
  • Serve warm with sliced bananas, shredded coconut and maple syrup.


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“Will Power” is a Practice

I’ve always despised hearing people say “Will Power”.  It made me feel like this was a way to describe someone with supernatural powers because not everyone, including myself at times, possessed this skill.   I despised it so much I even wrote a post on it at one point, however, my thoughts on will power have changed.

Towards the end of my prep I realized something; Will Power is a Practice.  Although this last prep was much easier and smoother then my first, I would be lying if I said it was a perfect one no thanks to my “Will Power”.  See the thing is, I screw up to and then I ask myself, “Why did I do that?  This is my goal and those actions don’t support my goal.”

It occurred to me during one of my self-therapy sessions that this will power that people possess does not always come so easy but it doesn’t mean it can’t be developed.  Whether you are training for a show for the first time or trying to lose 50lbs the entire journey is a process.  The further you get through it the easier it will become, but you will continue to make mistakes a long the way.  As you continue to grow and continue to get stronger, your Will Power strengthens as well.

I bet if you look at the bigger picture and dissect your actions from what you were like when you started and what you are like now, you can find a stronger Will Power.  Everyone has Will Power and some are able to flex bigger Will Power muscles then others.  But just like that scrawny teenager that has grown into a massive muscle man your Will Power cannot change over night…it just needs a little practice.

What are your thoughts on Will Power?

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